DIY Egg White & Honey Peel Off Mask

Hello!
I am back after mia for months.
Hahahaha!

But well, i am back with a good share.
Today, I find my face kinda dull and at my nose area, there is a lot of blackheads.
Ain't thinking about extraction cause, I am kinda lazy to do today.

So... 
I went to kitchen, I found an egg and a bottle of honey~
HOOP HOOP~~~~!!
I told myself, "It's time for DIY"

:D

Ya, I know some ladies prefer going to the spa house to do their facial.
But, no for me. I don't mean they are not good. They are great. 
Hahahaa.. but it's just me who can resist to lay down straight for an hour plus.
? Hahaha I dont know. 
I just can't lay down straight hence, I always find it very uncomfortable going for a facial and I need to lay down during the entire process.

Sooooooo
Here I wanna share with you the DIY peel off mask!
All you need are only :
1. an egg
2. 1 table spoon of honey
3. paper napkin 
4. 1 table spoon
5. a small bowl

Okay!

After you have all the things you need.

Here are the steps : 

1. Break the egg into the small bowl, and remove the egg yolk. We only need the egg white!

2. Add 1 table spoon of honey into the bowl

3. Mix them up! Beat the egg yolk together with honey till you see the mixture is well mixed and foam is formed.

4. Apply the texture all over to your face! (Upwards direction)

5. After the first layer, cut the tissue paper and place them on your face.

You can use the facial paper, however since I don't have and I don't want to buy it ;P so I change it to tissue paper! *smart! 

6. When you are done placing the tissue paper on your face, please apply the texture all over to your face again. 

You can apply the texture 2-3 times. 

So about 3-4 layers in total.

Okay! Then what's next?

EASY! DO NOTHING!!

Just sit down, and relax!! :D

Let it cool down, dry off and get kinda harden. 

Maybe while waiting for the mask to dry off, you can like watch any movies, do your work, update your blog (like what i do now), or just sit down and relax!!

Hahahaah!!

Well, mine took 30 minutes to cool down and dry off.

The moment it has been dry off. 

You can peel off the mask! :)

Please do it in the upwards direction! 

When you had finally peel off the mask.

Please go wash your face with your favorite facial foam!

Remember to wash your face with warm water. :)

And when you are done, take a small towel and gently tap on your face!

Hoop Hoop~~!!
After that, remember to apply toner and moisturizer :) 

and we're done !!! :D

Easy isn't it ? 

My face after the DIY Facial :)

Anyway, here are the reason why I use egg white and honey as this week peel off mask recipe! 

Egg white : 

1. Helps in tighten and  shrink the pores 

2. Clears oil.

3. Diminishes fine lines. 

4. Fight off and prevent acne and acne scars

5. Get rid of BLACK HEADS (YES!!)

And honey! :

1. Speed healing

2. Good to treat & prevent acne

3. Supple & glowing complexion

4. Attracts moisture 

5. Pore cleanser and

5. Great for all skin types!!!

PS : I hope this DIY Egg White & Honey Peel Off Mask is useful and easy to implement to whoever who read this post :)
Remember to always love & protect your skin<3 

-ME

Why do I love you ?

Hey here I am to answer your question.
Sorry for not being able to tell to face to face because you will be always be the spoiler.
You like to make me annoyed  when I try to explain to you.

So here I am, letting my fingers dancing happily on the keyboards typing each character forming a word and slowly transforming to a sentence followed by a paragraph. I hope you won't stop reading this half way and come to annoy me.

Really. This is just for you and this one come truly from my heart.

Dear you, why do I love you?
mmm... why.. i have been asking myself this question too.
Why do I love you? Why do I love you, and this feeling get deeper each day.

Spending time with you make me feel happy, sad, excited, angry, worried, and hopeless.
I don't know why but these are the feeling I have when I am with you.

I am mad with you, when you already end work so late but you still catch  the last train to come my house and early morning, you cab home. And obviously, I know you don't mind spending your money on cab than your meals but I mind. I am so mad at you when you do so.

But then, I realize, you do so because you miss me.

I am happy to see you around. Happy to laugh, share about life and just slacking in the room watching cooking shows. Being happy has become so effortless when I with you. It just happens like that. Spending time with family on Sunday, dinner will be a time when we sit down and catch up with them. Sharing about work, life, gossips, and even food and any beauty products. I am glad that you bring me to your family. I am so happy to have the chance to know them better as the time pass.

But at times, I do feel hopeless to you. This happen when you suddenly lose your faith in cooking. When you suddenly question yourself, your own ability. I don't know if you still can recall how stunned I looked like, but seriously darling. 
I was so stunned and felt so hopeless. I felt hopeless cause you choose not to believe in yourself and it happened because of your ex boss doubted your skills. 
Seriously darl, who is he to doubt your skills?
And fine, maybe he is right that you are not skillful yet, but hey.. you are still learning and you will improve as the day pass. Never ever feel down because somebody look down of you!

They might be standing on top right now, but the next moment, who knows? The one standing on top is you. 

After all, though I do feel hopeless to you at that moment. But I am glad that I was there when you feel down, when you were at the your lowest point. Remember darl, you have me. Share with me :) 
When  I decided to be with you, that does not mean that I only with you when you are happy. But I will always stick to you through thick and thin <3 


Why do I love you?

I hate when you are so sweaty and sticky after your work, claiming that you are tired and you wanted to lay on the bed. And of course I can't stop you but I won't stop myself asking you to faster go shower.

But dear you, seeing you lying on the bed, closing your eyes and trying to have a short quick rest before you need to listen to my story. I realize I know that you are working hard for our future. 

That's why you will always hearing me say "Darl, just sleep. Take shower tomorrow morning. Please rest now"

Remember? :)

Why do I love you ?

I hate when you did not want to give me food when we worked at Pan Pac before. You said that you already off duty. And yet I saw you giving food to the other service staff. Ya.. I still remember and I will never forget but well I will forgive you. 
But hey! :)
Who knows someone who does not want to give me supper at Pan Pac, is the one who wanna share his future with me now.

I remembered when we just get together. You asked me what I want for our first anniversary.
I told you nothing.
And I asked you the same question.

"Marry you!" you replied me.

08 February 2015 was the day when you popped the question to me. 
People made fun of the diamond ring. 

But I dont.

1. I know you have worked hard for it
2. I love you. The ring is just a token of the proposal
3. I don't care about the diamond size, instead I care about the future of us.

To me, having you and building up a family with you is the greatest thing I want in my life.
Diamond rings, I can buy them anytime, any type, any size. 

But to finally find a man who loves me the way I am is not easy like buying a diamond ring.
Someone who can support and trust. Someone to share with.
And when I found, why should I waste time fighting over a diamond ring - it is just a token of expressing love?

Seriously, don't fight over what society expect your relationship to be.

Some people told us that we are too young to think of marriage.
People said we should have at least date for 5 years to know each other more before we plan for marriage.

Yes, I don't deny that.
But 5 years? Who come out with this law?
And marriage? It is about a lifetime commitment.

It is about a lifetime commitment.
Spending your life together with your loved one.
To me, marriage is about accepting each other, it is about give and give. 
Not matter how long we date, if one day we finally stop ourselves accepting our life partner?
Then that's.

5 year.. but things change in the count of second.

?
So how can you guarantee 5 years is good to decide whether to move on to marriage or not? 

Dear you, I could not guarantee that I can always be sweet to you. 
But I willing to learn about you everyday. 
Let me learn and discover you each day.
Let me learn about you everyday till I close my eyes and rest in the peace.

Why do I love you?

I love seeing you from morning till the next morning.
I know we will fight and argue, but I know it will only last for at most 15 minutes.
Then after that, we still hug each other before sleep.
And the next day, we start a new day together.


Why do I love you?

Find it very annoying every morning when you wake me up. When I told you "5 more minutes".
I mean like seriously 5 more minutes. But you will still insist spam kissing my cheek till I am awake,
Yes, I am totally annoyed and irritated. I am like can you seriously give meeee my 5 minutes?

But when I "forced" to be get myself awake, I find myself smiling. It is beautiful to know that the first thing you do after you wake up is to kiss my cheek.

I love you.

Don't ask me why anymore.
Too much to write.
But, trust me.
I love being with you.

A simple yet a very family oriented relationship.
I love us.

<3 

I love you so much that I can't wait to be your wife.
I can't wait to spend day with you.
I can't wait to always seeing you before I close my eyes at night, getting ready to sleep and when I open my eyes in the morning, get myself awake to get ready for work.

Counting down each day, can't wait to always be there waiting for you to end your night shift.
Get the towel ready for you to go and grab a quick refreshing shower. Prepare a supper for you when you are hungry. Help you iron your clothes.

I want you  to get home to rest and don't worry about the household.

I love you. :) 

PS : The time might not on us now, but I am sure we can go through this together :)

Haze

I am not sure about the current me. I think I am done and I am so tired, so sick. Maybe this is what people say mentally and physically tired. When your mind refuse to listen to your heart, or even when your heart even refuse to believe what your mind believe.

I am tired, so tired. Tired of my life, dragging me to be like this. I hate to find myself lost  hope and motivation to live. I hate for being negative. I don't want to be in this state whereby I feel hopeless and could not do anything. I hate to be under controlled. I hate.

They told me there will be a rainbow after the rain. 
Where?
Where is the rainbow? I can't find any rainbow, I can't even create the virtual rainbow in my own imagination. 
There is no rainbow after this started. 

I know there is no point dragging, but what can I do, I only found myself worrying and become more and more quiet each day. Putting a mask on and telling my surrounding, 'Hey I am fine" 

Ya, i am fine. 

How ironic life is, I used to be a motivational speaker to kids and domestic workers. Telling them to believe in their dreams, their hope and most importantly believe themselves. 
However, today. I can't even motivate myself, I did try. But things get worse day after day.
Starting from problem 0.1 and it elevates to 2.0 and maybe will be keep on upgrading. 

How the old Meylisa eagerly told herself to believe and keep on believing to her dreams and being optimistic, but  the today meylisa, can only sit down and feeling sick of her live. Continuing her daily routine and does not try to aim any higher. I ever said "I dream therefore I am" 

But the today me, has became  to someone who do not dare to dream anymore. 

I used to pray to God, asking for a challenging life. But today, I put my hands up. I am tired. 

These past weeks I finally realize that all along there is something I have totally ignore. 
Something that I always think that it won't really will affect me. 
I abuse my body. I sleep in the morning, stay up late night to do my stuffs, watching drama till the next day on the weekends, finish up my reports till the next morning, or dreaming about the next business plan or planning the existing business marketing plan.

I thought I will be fine. I thought my body is okay to be burnt that way. I thought I should do this during my youth, chasing dreams and my believe so that the future me will thanks the current me. 

Ya. And when my parents and family asked me to take a rest and pull back a little. I told them I am fine. Young, make full use of each time. 

Ya, but I forget, I am a human. And there will be a time when my body feel like shutting down. 
Ya. My body feel like shutting down soon.
Too much problems but I only have 1 body, 1 brain, and 24 hours a day.

I am sick of people telling me "Meylisa, dont worry! You will alright!"
I am sick of people telling me "Everything will be okay!"
I am sick of people telling me "Tomorrow will be another day!"
I am sick of people telling me "Every problem will have its solution"

My soul really really exhausted. 
Haha hopefully this body able to survive and able to see 2016 lol.

And still deep inside my heart, I still hoping to see rainbow soon ;)
Amen.

Ps : Live a life like today is your last day :) 

Asing

Asing, dan asing.
Itu yang kamu dan kau yang tahu.
Dimana air mata sudah tergelinang lebih dari yang kamu inginkan.

Ketika kuat bukan lagi pilihan, melainkan keharusan.
Ketika tangis harus didalam senyuman.
Mereka tidak akan tahu dan tidak mugkin tahu akan hitam nya disini.

Yang mereka tahu hanyalah warna langit yang selalu biru dan matahari selalu terbit dari Timur.
Mereka tidak tahu.
Dan aku, aku sendiri.

Di kota kecil ini, aku berdiri sendiri.
Melawan semua yang ada dengan badan kecil yang tidak lebih dari 160cm.
Melawan semua yang ada dengan hanya satu, cita cita ku.
Melawan semua yang ada dengan satu, cinta.

Sakit, pedih telah diri ini rasakan. 
Menjadi sosok yang teladan sebagai pengetua.
Pengetua yang tidak boleh menangis.
Pengetua yang harus selalu kuat.

Akankah badan mampu melawan semua yang ada?
Perselisihan, kecurangan, penyimpangan.
Berapa lama lagi badan ini kuat untuk melawan lagi?
Berapa lama lagi badan ini akan kuat untuk bertahan?

Berjuang demi cita cita yang lebih besar. 
Membantu meraih cita cita yang lebih besar.
Dan, setelah itu....
bagaimana dengan cita cita badan ini?

Adakah jalan yang lebih indah?
Kapankah akan jalan itu Kau tunjukan?



PS : "Home"

The unexpected talk from him

It was already 1 am.
We just got home after meeting my girls at Rivervalley Spize for supper.
I turned on my phone and told my boyfriend (should I say start calling fiance? Cause whenever I say boyfriend, most of the people will correct me - Fiance.)
mmm.. okay fine. :D

I told him about our Saturday's plan. We have an appointment with one of the bridal boutique at 5pm. (Yes! we are getting married!!).

His replied, "mmm"

mmm, ya seriously, the best answer ever. Like ever. #taylorswift
I was a bit pissed off with his answer. But I kept my mouth shut.

We were sitting on the couch, side by side.
He grabbed me to his arm (melted and forgive him #poachedeggheart) and asked, "What if I switch career?"

I pulled myself from his arm. I looked at him. 
"You sure? Isn't it your dream? How about your goal to be a Sous Chef in 5 years time?"
I was kinda shocked and puzzled. Lost.
What had happened that made him thinking that topic?
Perhaps he was too tired and didn't know what he spoke about.

He pulled me back to his arm again before continued to talk.
"I can't only plan for tomorrow and the day after tomorrow(in my heart, please this saturday also never plan HAAAHAHA). In two years time, we are getting married. Two years after marriage, we plan to have kids." He replied.

"This job is holding me back. The working hours. Shift work. Any special events will be either celebrated in advance or belated." He continued.

I pulled myself from his arm #again. Looking straight to his eyes.
I raised up my eyebrow and said, "I know and I don't mind."
I kinda pissed. I mean, I told him before I don't mind. Shift work, long working hours, and etc. Then why does he bring up this issue again?
-.-

"What if I need more than 5 years to reach Sous Chef position, maybe 8 years?! That's means I will miss 8 chances to celebrate your birthday on the actual day and any other special days. I will have lesser time to spend with the kids and family too. And I feel that the pay wise is not worth the time I spend in the kitchen." He explained.

"I have a passion in cooking. This is my dream. But I must be realistic. Nothing is ever balance in this world. I can't have my dream and at the same time wanting to spend more time with my loved one. I don't mind putting aside this dream for a better future with you. I might stop my career as a chef but that does not mean that I stop to cook. I will still for cook for my family, be the chef in the family." He continued.

*Stunned and speechless

"You don't mind to celebrate any special events in advanced or belated. But I mind. I am selfish that I always wanted to be there for you on any special days. The actual day. I know many people love you. I am not afraid of no one don't love you. But, I always want to be the one love you the most, I want to be the no 1 in your eyes. Darl, time is precious, and so are you."

*Grabbing me back to his arm and hugged me. Feeling so blessed to have him. <3


Ps : I love you darling :)

My First Anniversary and Still Countiing

I throw myself to the bed.
Feeling slightly tired after a long day at work.
But thanks god! Everything is over!

I love this sense of achievement! 
I don't know but I am very sure that this is the reason keeping me here.
I mentioned before how I loved the unexpected color my life.
Same thing goes to this. Who will think that I will be in this line?
Most of the people will think that I will be in the sales line or hospitality.

But, no. 
Here I am and I look forward to be a better developer each day!
Ya, though I can't called myself as a master of web developer.
I am still not so strong in my CMS (Client Management System) - back-end system. 
However, I believe, stay focus and eager to keep on learning will be the keys.

HAPPY First Anniversary and 16 days AND still counting!!!!!!!!!!

Have been a year plus working as a web developer. 
I could say that things I learn not only about how to improve in coding, but I also learn how to manage my temper (!important)

I think in 2014, I had mixed up my role.
In my company, I am the sales, I am the head too.

Yet, in the company I am working at, I am a technical person.
I should have listen to the Project Manager, do changes as told, and just keep quiet when being picked.

In 2014, I used to be Meylisa, the technical person who has sales soul in me #chey!
I used to think, why my Project Coordinator keep doing "out of goodwill stuff" to clients. 
I was like... We are doing business. Not a charity.
I mean I don't mind to help but sometimes, I mean.. I don't think install an Outlook on the client laptop via remote accessing shall be my job scope.

Alright, if it is not a peak period.

But what if during peak period, and clients call in asking me to install outlook in their laptops. I could not say no to clients as I had done before. 
Am i right ?
Then... ???
Why start the fire?
HAAHAAHHA... 

• I love to list down things I do. 
• Follow up to whoever and whichever clients.
• Having everything in black and white even after a phone call, I will still drop an email

Maybe I was trained like that by my dad since 12 years old.

But I strongly believe, a black and white is important. Save my ass.

Like I had the proof of blablabla agree on blablaabla and I proceed.

That's why when my Project Coordinator got complained by client, claiming that she was not aware of the project amendments and my Project Coordinator just kept quiet.

Quietly receiving all the blames. 

And when client say "This work is horrible! This is a rubbish!"

LOL .... say my work rubbish.

But okay lah.. I forgive her.

Respect the old woman. HAHAAHAHA

Ok back, ya..my project coordinator replied "Yes. This is rubbish!"

LOL !!! 

I did as per request. Felt like telling my project coordinator.

Ya. The one who request is rubbish too. LOL 

Butt okay lah..I keep quiet loh, acting like I am fine. Say somemore.

And the best thing, after the meeting.

When client left the office, I asked my Project Coordinator about the amendments.  

I asked "Isn't it she request for it?"

My Project coordinator said yes.

I replied "Then we could tracked the previous emails proofing that we did as requested."

And he gave me the best answer.

"I don't email her. We talked through phone" 

:( 

And from this incident, whenever he asked me to do changes. 

I will ask him to put me in the email loop.

Like I want to know what is happening.

And of course, trying to save my own ass also.

Protect my ass LOL 

However, during appraisal.

My boss and my Project Manager mentioned to me that I have been very emotional. Like take things to seriously.

Yes, I admit, I was, I am (but I am trying to cut it off) HAHAHA

I went home. 

Talked to my fiance about it.

He just listened to my story and only replied "Is okay. You will be better in the next appraisal!"

Then... as the days passed. 

I observe how my fiance attitude at work.

He is the type of person who only does what is within his job scope.

When I told him, "Eh your boss suck. He doesn't know how to manage his staffs, that's why the turn over rate is very high. (in the count of days or weeks).

And my fiance replied me calmly, "That's is his problem. He hire me to cook. And I will make sure I do my job."

From there, I realized the reason why I was so emotional is I had mixed up my role in the company.

I am a technical person but at the same time, I will somehow weigh if the input and the output worth the cost. HAHAHAHAHA

(Next time do not teach your kids about business when he / she is 10 years old)

So, in 2015 Jan. I told myself to wipe off the sales soul in me.

I will only focus on my role as a technical person.

Changes are necessary to be done, and I should not be worrying about the black and white (email).

UNLESS.

If clients directly contact me.

I will make sure :

1. Email - confirming the amendments

2. Let client know changes required 3 working days. 

3. Email - Amendments done

And it has been 4 months plus since I told myself to focus to one role only - technical!

I can feel that I am feeling much much better than last year :)

And in 2015, I also told myself.

The things I need to done once reach office :

1. Check mail

2. List down to do list of the day

Before left office :

1. Done all the to do list of the day - unless if client haven't not reply my mail.

Due to number 1 (before left office) this year, I often stay back after office hour.

1. Sudden calls to check emails, small updates - an add on to do the to do list

2. I do not like to stack up the work load.

3. As much as I can, I want the next day, I am doing another task - not repeating the yesterday work.

But is okay. Somehow, I enjoy doing those too! HAHAHAAHA 

True, sometimes I am kinda too hard on myself. 

But I think is okay! :)

Chiong as much as I can while I still can!

And anyway, a working environment is very crucial as it will somehow affect your attitude / character at work.
Be a better one or wore :P

Hence, here are the breakdown of my colleagues. 

The developers

I had two seniors that are very helpful and knowledgeable.
Surely, will learn the skills from them.
Both are very strong in layout and CMS.

BN is someone who I could say is the master of CSS - Mr Super detail.
He can simply look at the mock up design, and 5-10 more mins he knows how to lay everything nicely which personally I think this is very important and cool yo!! 

He always tells me, "Plan your layout before coding! It will safe your time"
And yes! 
1. It really save time.
2. Everything align nicely.

The code is well structured. 

WW is someone who I could say, the speedy.
I remembered on my first project, I left with a small bug in the back-end system.
My boss asked me when could I finish it.
I said "2 days?"
LOL ! #youthinkwhatschoolworkuh

I know... is like..2 days for a small bug? You sure?
My boss then asked WW, "If it is you, how long  you need? 30 minutes?"

"15 minutes" he replied.
:( #lifeofanewbie

At times, these two persons scared me out. I was like.. Omg ... I work GODS 
LOL!!

But, I tell myself, "I am a developer! And I should meet this professional standard too!" #crossfingered.


The designers

I think I am a big burden to the designers.
HAHAHAAHAHA
Cause I always have problem in
1. Cropping out images with shadow, I dont know why but the shadow just being an annoying shadow :p
2. I kinda don't really have a good design taste, so... HAHAHAHA I always go to the designers, and ask them about to lay the elements nicely.
Sorry designers hahaaha jin paiseh.

The Sales

Mmmm till today, I think the best sale person in the company is FP.
I like the way how she can simply close deal through phone ONLY.
She also someone who I think is very fair to everyone.

Though, I am kinda scared of her, especially my few weeks in the company. (till now still scared HAHAHAAHAHA)
I remembered when my boss asked me to sit behind her. 
My boss said "You sit here! Here is more lively!!"

Deep inside my heart, I am like.. mmm yes boss. more likely I will die too. 
I don't know how to explain but sometime FN just has the FIERCE aura. HAHAAHAHA

But no worries!!! We are close and she actually not that fierce.
Mmm,to me, she is like my older sister.
Our characters are alike. We both are the loud yet will emo at times. #emokia

From her, I learn how to handle clients in a better ways.
I observe how she talks to clients - explain stuff to clients and most importantly how to stay professional even though client is being an asshole on that day. 

I applied those when I talked to clients too. HAHAHAAHAHA #COPY

Furthermore, I see teamwork when working with her.
I believe in teamwork.
I believe, no matter how good a sale person is. But he/she could not get along with the technical team to produce "the promised output".
Proposal will just remain as proposal. #justmyopinion

With FN, she only does things that client pays.
Meaning, she will try to stop those "extra work" which is not included in the proposal as much as possible.

I think the reasons behind these are :
1. This is business, I give you what you pay. (If your sales person has this thinking! Please keep he or she!) - *Anyone who is think he / she is capable of doing so and interested in hotel, property, education and shopping center. Please contact me lol #seriousserious* :D
2. Try as much as possible to not overwork the technical team.

My boss

From my boss. I learn how to be 
CALM.

HAHAHAHAAHAHA
But that's true.
I used to be very emotional. For example, I will get very mad and annoyed if the client scold me, being so not clever, and etc.

But there was this time when I heard and saw my boss talked to this holy bloody lady through phone.
And she was just being so rude and sarcastic. Claiming that we should not ask for the IP address as we are from IT company. LOL #pmsladyisabastard

I thought my boss will pissed off but he didnt. (mmm actually I dont know the honest answer but this is what i felt).
He just repeated his points - the intention to do so.
SO CALM.

#amazing.

I also learn how to answer to clients complains. HAHAHAAHA
I think my boss does the best for this! (THE MASTER)
His email replied to clients are professional, straight to the points, and being a smart sarcastic!!!

And times, I wonder how my boss manage to reply so pretty smart sarcastic.
mmmm Maybe because he is a very logical person. #x100logical
So he can make things seems like I can choose not to help, but I help you. 
You.. Shut your mouth and shut your mouth. LOL !!!! HAHAHAAHAHA


PS : Tomorrow will be another day! So chin up and FIGHTING!!

GREY

Hey… I am back here again. Ya after missing for months. I am back here. Yes. The blue me.
And before I am gonna tell what had happened, I would like to say “Happy new year 2015”.

I am sorry as I only visit you when the blue visited me. But, I guess, I have no one to turn to anymore. I need a pair of ears. Listen to me. That’s all I need.

Alright, 2015.

Neither will I say it is a bad nor good year. I don’t know. But so far, I think it has ruined my mentality so badly. Sorry. Not just 2015, I think it happens every year. The demands I received from my surroundings. I am not saying that I hate them. However, could they spare a minute to consider about me? My feeling.

Sometimes, when I am alone, I wonder, “Why should a 21 year old girl face all these alone?”
When will all the demands stop? I am very very tired. Seriously. I am tired.

It all started with my surrounding having the thought that I am a very tough and strong girl. Yes, I don’t deny that. I created myself as a tough and strong girl. I have seen enough how a weak and soft lady got bullied by others. I ain’t gonna let history repeats.

But ya, because of this image that I show to my surrounding, they start to assume that my heart is tough too. To my family, my staffs, I am known as a strong girl who would not bleed.

Yes. That’s what people accused me- including my family. It just getting more and more often to hear them saying those things. Whenever they want something to be done, they want it ASAP. Yes. ASAP.

Without having the thought, hey maybe my daughter is tired or ya something. No. they didn’t. They want it, they want it now. And when I ask for another day to get their things done, they will be so pissed and say, “Why is it so hard to ask for your help?”

Often have a fight with dad regarding work – the different views we have on how to be a leader and how to treat an employee. I don’t agree with dad saying that a leader is about commanding his people to get things done. While to me, a leader should be the one showing the ways to his people, gather them together to reach the SMART goals. Human needs recognition and rewards. We do not deny that. A simple tab on shoulder saying “Hey! Good morning!” and “Thank you! You are doing it right!” would make someone’s day brighter. Yet, these are those things that he will never understand and never even try to understand.

And at the same time, as an employee. I learn to be responsible to the given tasks and have a better ideas on the things that I really want to do. I could say I see an opportunity to be a better me in term of management, interpersonal skills, and technical skills. I never regret taking this chance. It is great to start from zero and gain something - to be a hero to myself. A leader always tries to keep their people, an employee should prove to the leader that he / she is worth the fight.

I got to spare some part of my mind to think about other lives. Making sure, businesses are doing well so that they have the money to feed their families. This isn’t easy but worth it and at the same time drained a lot of energy.

……

I wonder what makes my family ever think that I am not tired. What makes them think that I will never ruining out of energy? Even a non- living thing also will drained off then what makes them think that I won’t be drained off? I am tough, I know. Yet, they also should know no matter how tough I am, there still be a purple and pink in me. And no matter what, I am just a human who will complains, cries, and upset.

*

Mum and sister are back in Indonesia. I am very happy to see them enjoying their holiday in Singapore. And maybe the happiest moments are when I am able to get the things they want. I am so happy to see the curves on their faces when they were busy telling me about the things they bought. I love that scene so much.

I love having mum in Singapore. Every morning, I got someone got my breakfast ready, my clothes ironed, someone who will open the door and say “Happy working, yan (my Chinese name)!”  And when I got home, I know someone is waiting for my arrival. The moment I reach home, I got my dinner ready, cuddling on the sofa with mum – busy telling mum about my company server migration though I know she nothing of it. But I love the moment of sharing.

….

I need time to adjust back to the black. The independence meylisa. I cannot stay too long in blue. It has been almost a week mum and sister are back to Indonesia. It has been almost a week to realise how empty the house is.

I am not sure how to explain this. However, this really get me upset to be back to the house which used to be a home. A square block contains of two rooms and silence is the best friend. On the left side, right after entering the house, a messy shoe rack, further up to the left, an unfolded laundry, diagonally right- my room, a messy bed is on the left- that’s tell how rush I am every morning, while my working desk is on the right- full of papers. And perpendicularly to right, a very clean kitchen. No one cooks for the past 6 days.

A house which used to be a home.

*

Love?

It isn’t so good as well. Thing is getting more and more complicated as the day passes. I left with no comment. Maybe it is right that I am still too green to be in love. I don’t know. I ain’t got any control over these four letter words. I always turn out to be the silly girl when I am in the relationship/shit.

Am I not sure about you, but which is more hurtful, got a stab right on your heart or just a small cut on your heart yet you can’t find where the cut is?

I guess, yesterday the words I heard was really like a great slap to my face. Not sure. Till now, I am not sure about what am I thinking or even feeling. Somehow it got numb to realise that action speaks louder than words.

….

I don’t know.

I even asked myself why I am still here after crying for the whole night, got my eyes swollen and high fever. It is just so hard when brain and heart does not synchronize.

Leaving him behind is possible.

But moving forwards without him is truly impossible.

Thus, maybe it is me who should try to heal this cut. I do not have a remote control over him and I do not wish to help as well. Maybe, it should be me who should stop to feel jealous. Ya, I should have stop to feel jealous and problem solved.

PS : It will never getting easier, it will get tougher. But I am sure, somehow, someday I will make it happen :)

Stay Strong ! No more tears!