Haze

I am not sure about the current me. I think I am done and I am so tired, so sick. Maybe this is what people say mentally and physically tired. When your mind refuse to listen to your heart, or even when your heart even refuse to believe what your mind believe.

I am tired, so tired. Tired of my life, dragging me to be like this. I hate to find myself lost  hope and motivation to live. I hate for being negative. I don't want to be in this state whereby I feel hopeless and could not do anything. I hate to be under controlled. I hate.

They told me there will be a rainbow after the rain. 
Where?
Where is the rainbow? I can't find any rainbow, I can't even create the virtual rainbow in my own imagination. 
There is no rainbow after this started. 

I know there is no point dragging, but what can I do, I only found myself worrying and become more and more quiet each day. Putting a mask on and telling my surrounding, 'Hey I am fine" 

Ya, i am fine. 

How ironic life is, I used to be a motivational speaker to kids and domestic workers. Telling them to believe in their dreams, their hope and most importantly believe themselves. 
However, today. I can't even motivate myself, I did try. But things get worse day after day.
Starting from problem 0.1 and it elevates to 2.0 and maybe will be keep on upgrading. 

How the old Meylisa eagerly told herself to believe and keep on believing to her dreams and being optimistic, but  the today meylisa, can only sit down and feeling sick of her live. Continuing her daily routine and does not try to aim any higher. I ever said "I dream therefore I am" 

But the today me, has became  to someone who do not dare to dream anymore. 

I used to pray to God, asking for a challenging life. But today, I put my hands up. I am tired. 

These past weeks I finally realize that all along there is something I have totally ignore. 
Something that I always think that it won't really will affect me. 
I abuse my body. I sleep in the morning, stay up late night to do my stuffs, watching drama till the next day on the weekends, finish up my reports till the next morning, or dreaming about the next business plan or planning the existing business marketing plan.

I thought I will be fine. I thought my body is okay to be burnt that way. I thought I should do this during my youth, chasing dreams and my believe so that the future me will thanks the current me. 

Ya. And when my parents and family asked me to take a rest and pull back a little. I told them I am fine. Young, make full use of each time. 

Ya, but I forget, I am a human. And there will be a time when my body feel like shutting down. 
Ya. My body feel like shutting down soon.
Too much problems but I only have 1 body, 1 brain, and 24 hours a day.

I am sick of people telling me "Meylisa, dont worry! You will alright!"
I am sick of people telling me "Everything will be okay!"
I am sick of people telling me "Tomorrow will be another day!"
I am sick of people telling me "Every problem will have its solution"

My soul really really exhausted. 
Haha hopefully this body able to survive and able to see 2016 lol.

And still deep inside my heart, I still hoping to see rainbow soon ;)
Amen.

Ps : Live a life like today is your last day :)