Hey… I am back here again. Ya
after missing for months. I am back here. Yes. The blue me.
And before I am gonna tell what had happened, I would like to say “Happy new year 2015”.
And before I am gonna tell what had happened, I would like to say “Happy new year 2015”.
I am sorry as I only visit you
when the blue visited me. But, I guess, I have no one to turn to anymore. I
need a pair of ears. Listen to me. That’s all I need.
Alright, 2015.
Neither will I say it is a bad
nor good year. I don’t know. But so far, I think it has ruined my mentality so
badly. Sorry. Not just 2015, I think it happens every year. The demands I
received from my surroundings. I am not saying that I hate them. However, could
they spare a minute to consider about me? My feeling.
Sometimes, when I am alone, I wonder,
“Why should a 21 year old girl face all these alone?”
When will all the demands stop? I am very very tired. Seriously. I am tired.
When will all the demands stop? I am very very tired. Seriously. I am tired.
It all started with my surrounding
having the thought that I am a very tough and strong girl. Yes, I don’t deny
that. I created myself as a tough and strong girl. I have seen enough how a
weak and soft lady got bullied by others. I ain’t gonna let history repeats.
But ya, because of this image
that I show to my surrounding, they start to assume that my heart is tough too.
To my family, my staffs, I am known as a strong girl who would not bleed.
Yes. That’s what people
accused me- including my family. It just getting more and more often to hear
them saying those things. Whenever they want something to be done, they want it
ASAP. Yes. ASAP.
Without having the thought,
hey maybe my daughter is tired or ya something. No. they didn’t. They want it,
they want it now. And when I ask for another day to get their things done, they
will be so pissed and say, “Why is it so hard to ask for your help?”
Often have a fight with dad
regarding work – the different views we have on how to be a leader and how to
treat an employee. I don’t agree with dad saying that a leader is about
commanding his people to get things done. While to me, a leader should be the
one showing the ways to his people, gather them together to reach the SMART
goals. Human needs recognition and rewards. We do not deny that. A simple tab
on shoulder saying “Hey! Good morning!” and “Thank you! You are doing it right!”
would make someone’s day brighter. Yet, these are those things that he will
never understand and never even try to understand.
And at the same time, as an
employee. I learn to be responsible to the given tasks and have a better ideas
on the things that I really want to do. I could say I see an opportunity to be
a better me in term of management, interpersonal skills, and technical skills. I
never regret taking this chance. It is great to start from zero and gain
something - to be a hero to myself. A leader always tries to keep their people,
an employee should prove to the leader that he / she is worth the fight.
I got to spare some part of my
mind to think about other lives. Making sure, businesses are doing well so that
they have the money to feed their families. This isn’t easy but worth it and at
the same time drained a lot of energy.
……
I wonder what makes my family
ever think that I am not tired. What makes them think that I will never ruining
out of energy? Even a non- living thing also will drained off then what makes
them think that I won’t be drained off? I am tough, I know. Yet, they also should
know no matter how tough I am, there still be a purple and pink in me. And no
matter what, I am just a human who will complains, cries, and upset.
*
Mum and sister are back in
Indonesia. I am very happy to see them enjoying their holiday in Singapore. And
maybe the happiest moments are when I am able to get the things they want. I am
so happy to see the curves on their faces when they were busy telling me about
the things they bought. I love that scene so much.
I love having mum in
Singapore. Every morning, I got someone got my breakfast ready, my clothes
ironed, someone who will open the door and say “Happy working, yan (my Chinese name)!” And when I got home, I know someone is
waiting for my arrival. The moment I reach home, I got my dinner ready,
cuddling on the sofa with mum – busy telling mum about my company server
migration though I know she nothing of it. But I love the moment of sharing.
….
I need time to adjust back to
the black. The independence meylisa. I cannot stay too long in blue. It has
been almost a week mum and sister are back to Indonesia. It has been almost a
week to realise how empty the house is.
I am not sure how to explain
this. However, this really get me upset to be back to the house which used to
be a home. A square block contains of two rooms and silence is the best friend.
On the left side, right after entering the house, a messy shoe rack, further up
to the left, an unfolded laundry, diagonally right- my room, a messy bed is on
the left- that’s tell how rush I am every morning, while my working desk is on
the right- full of papers. And perpendicularly to right, a very clean kitchen. No
one cooks for the past 6 days.
A house which used to be a
home.
*
Love?
It isn’t so good as well. Thing is getting more and more
complicated as the day passes. I left with no comment. Maybe it is right that I
am still too green to be in love. I don’t know. I ain’t got any control over
these four letter words. I always turn out to be the silly girl when I am in the
relationship/shit.
Am I not sure about you, but which is more hurtful, got a
stab right on your heart or just a small cut on your heart yet you can’t find
where the cut is?
I guess, yesterday the words I heard was really like a great
slap to my face. Not sure. Till now, I am not sure about what am I thinking or
even feeling. Somehow it got numb to realise that action speaks louder than
words.
….
I don’t know.
I even asked myself why I am still here after crying for
the whole night, got my eyes swollen and high fever. It is just so hard when
brain and heart does not synchronize.
Leaving him behind is possible.
But moving forwards without him is truly impossible.
Thus, maybe it is me who should try to heal this cut. I do
not have a remote control over him and I do not wish to help as well. Maybe, it
should be me who should stop to feel jealous. Ya, I should have stop to feel
jealous and problem solved.
