GREY

Hey… I am back here again. Ya after missing for months. I am back here. Yes. The blue me.
And before I am gonna tell what had happened, I would like to say “Happy new year 2015”.

I am sorry as I only visit you when the blue visited me. But, I guess, I have no one to turn to anymore. I need a pair of ears. Listen to me. That’s all I need.

Alright, 2015.

Neither will I say it is a bad nor good year. I don’t know. But so far, I think it has ruined my mentality so badly. Sorry. Not just 2015, I think it happens every year. The demands I received from my surroundings. I am not saying that I hate them. However, could they spare a minute to consider about me? My feeling.

Sometimes, when I am alone, I wonder, “Why should a 21 year old girl face all these alone?”
When will all the demands stop? I am very very tired. Seriously. I am tired.

It all started with my surrounding having the thought that I am a very tough and strong girl. Yes, I don’t deny that. I created myself as a tough and strong girl. I have seen enough how a weak and soft lady got bullied by others. I ain’t gonna let history repeats.

But ya, because of this image that I show to my surrounding, they start to assume that my heart is tough too. To my family, my staffs, I am known as a strong girl who would not bleed.

Yes. That’s what people accused me- including my family. It just getting more and more often to hear them saying those things. Whenever they want something to be done, they want it ASAP. Yes. ASAP.

Without having the thought, hey maybe my daughter is tired or ya something. No. they didn’t. They want it, they want it now. And when I ask for another day to get their things done, they will be so pissed and say, “Why is it so hard to ask for your help?”

Often have a fight with dad regarding work – the different views we have on how to be a leader and how to treat an employee. I don’t agree with dad saying that a leader is about commanding his people to get things done. While to me, a leader should be the one showing the ways to his people, gather them together to reach the SMART goals. Human needs recognition and rewards. We do not deny that. A simple tab on shoulder saying “Hey! Good morning!” and “Thank you! You are doing it right!” would make someone’s day brighter. Yet, these are those things that he will never understand and never even try to understand.

And at the same time, as an employee. I learn to be responsible to the given tasks and have a better ideas on the things that I really want to do. I could say I see an opportunity to be a better me in term of management, interpersonal skills, and technical skills. I never regret taking this chance. It is great to start from zero and gain something - to be a hero to myself. A leader always tries to keep their people, an employee should prove to the leader that he / she is worth the fight.

I got to spare some part of my mind to think about other lives. Making sure, businesses are doing well so that they have the money to feed their families. This isn’t easy but worth it and at the same time drained a lot of energy.

……

I wonder what makes my family ever think that I am not tired. What makes them think that I will never ruining out of energy? Even a non- living thing also will drained off then what makes them think that I won’t be drained off? I am tough, I know. Yet, they also should know no matter how tough I am, there still be a purple and pink in me. And no matter what, I am just a human who will complains, cries, and upset.

*

Mum and sister are back in Indonesia. I am very happy to see them enjoying their holiday in Singapore. And maybe the happiest moments are when I am able to get the things they want. I am so happy to see the curves on their faces when they were busy telling me about the things they bought. I love that scene so much.

I love having mum in Singapore. Every morning, I got someone got my breakfast ready, my clothes ironed, someone who will open the door and say “Happy working, yan (my Chinese name)!”  And when I got home, I know someone is waiting for my arrival. The moment I reach home, I got my dinner ready, cuddling on the sofa with mum – busy telling mum about my company server migration though I know she nothing of it. But I love the moment of sharing.

….

I need time to adjust back to the black. The independence meylisa. I cannot stay too long in blue. It has been almost a week mum and sister are back to Indonesia. It has been almost a week to realise how empty the house is.

I am not sure how to explain this. However, this really get me upset to be back to the house which used to be a home. A square block contains of two rooms and silence is the best friend. On the left side, right after entering the house, a messy shoe rack, further up to the left, an unfolded laundry, diagonally right- my room, a messy bed is on the left- that’s tell how rush I am every morning, while my working desk is on the right- full of papers. And perpendicularly to right, a very clean kitchen. No one cooks for the past 6 days.

A house which used to be a home.

*

Love?

It isn’t so good as well. Thing is getting more and more complicated as the day passes. I left with no comment. Maybe it is right that I am still too green to be in love. I don’t know. I ain’t got any control over these four letter words. I always turn out to be the silly girl when I am in the relationship/shit.

Am I not sure about you, but which is more hurtful, got a stab right on your heart or just a small cut on your heart yet you can’t find where the cut is?

I guess, yesterday the words I heard was really like a great slap to my face. Not sure. Till now, I am not sure about what am I thinking or even feeling. Somehow it got numb to realise that action speaks louder than words.

….

I don’t know.

I even asked myself why I am still here after crying for the whole night, got my eyes swollen and high fever. It is just so hard when brain and heart does not synchronize.

Leaving him behind is possible.

But moving forwards without him is truly impossible.

Thus, maybe it is me who should try to heal this cut. I do not have a remote control over him and I do not wish to help as well. Maybe, it should be me who should stop to feel jealous. Ya, I should have stop to feel jealous and problem solved.

PS : It will never getting easier, it will get tougher. But I am sure, somehow, someday I will make it happen :)

Stay Strong ! No more tears!