The Question Marks

Recently, have been encountering some annoying questions by my surrounding. Like seriously. The same questions threw over and over again.

“Why are you still single?”

“Got boyfriend already?”

“Saturday, Sunday go where?”

And some people keep mentioning about the disadvantages of staying at home on Sunday.

Oh seriously, don’t you know Sunday is my “nua” day where I can get my first shower and first meal at 7pm.

Read books, watch youtube or try new recipe which I just found on youtube.

*

“How’s your Saturday?”

Well, first thing. What’s wrong with Saturday? Have anyone ever come out with the rule that Saturday is a must go out day?

Seriously. It is just a day, weekend,where you can sleep later than usual and relax.

And the word “relax” is up to you to define it.

Mmm… some people say my Saturday kind of boring. Duh… it’s my life and I think “fun” is kind of subjective.

Your fun might not be my fun, and my fun might be your fun.

Why can’t people understand this principle? 

Respect dudes.

*

Poly life has just ended about 2 months ago. Now, it is really hard to meet up with my M1. The guys are going to Ns one by one, working, family day. Mmm.. it really hard to meet up and come out with a proper hangout.

Ended up, we skype each other- Hahaha.

I really miss my poly moments. Two dollars nuggets, 10 items for my yong tau foo, playing cards in the lecture hall, laugh out loud in the library.. mmm actually is everywhere. :P

HAHAHA!

Talking about my poly life. I was graduated from NYP on the 29^th May 2014.

The previous post I mentioned that I was not excited at all since my parents were not coming over for my graduation. I even planned not to go for my own graduation. Then,…

On the 29^th may 2014, actually my M1 and I were supposed to meet at 7.30 at the auditorium.

And, haizh.. I woke up at 7.15am! Damn!

I have no time to prepare myself.

I threw in my makeup stuff to my bag, grab my white blouse and I wear SHORT! L

No time for bathe. Just washed my face and brushed my teeth. That short and quick moves I ever did in my life. Surprisingly, no one notice it! LOL!

*POWER*

Reached auditorium, suddenly there was a person shouted my name.

“Hey! Meylisa! How are you? Anyway congratulation ya!” an old man walked towards me and we shook hands.

I was stunned. I smiled, trying to calm down to breath in more oxygen. I forgot this lecturer’s name. Year one lecturer. What is his name? I kept asking myself. Damn it!

Why is he still remember my name? L

Oh well,, I think naughty and loud student really leave a remark on the teachers/lecturers.

And I was one of them. :P

On that day, I was totally SUPER EMO as friends keep asking me, where was my parents? And one by one saying bye to me cause they going off with the family. I know I should not be mad. Ya.. and I replied back “Oh!! I was about to meet lecturers!”

LOL!! Meet lecturers? L

But I really did! I went to Block S and spent 2 hours talking to any lecturer that ever thought me, sharing about life and dream- the talkative me. :P

However, one thing that I will never forget and I really touched was my boss and colleagues came over to my graduation. Huhuhu. That was really sweet! <3

I told myself, it is okay if my parents are not able to make it this time.

I promise myself that I am gonna have more proud moments, and this time, they only miss one. J

Believe and make it happen! J

*

Relationship?

Not sure about this and never have enough confidence on this. Hahaha.

Totally a nuts on this "shit/ship".

Meylisa.. meylisa.

Why are you still single?

I am like.. mmm there is nothing wrong being a single.

Right?

I mean why we must rush into something that we are not sure with?

And I think being single is better rather than having a fake relationship or being into a relationship where you aren’t happy about it or you actually feel like a single.

And I don’t understand why people have this thought that you are not a happy person if you don’t have a partner.

??

Society.

Another issues.

Long distance relationship- ldr

I think there is nothing wrong being into a long distance relationship as long as two parties can trust each other.

With the advanced technologies, I think there shouldn’t be any issues.

You can skype, line, whatssap. Mmmm… yaa.. many more. Hahaha.

Saved up money to buy tickets to meet your loved one. I think it is really sweet and meaningful.

Isn’t it? :)

Recently, one of my friend shared with me. She is bored with her long distance relationship. So she cheated her boyfriend.

And I’m like. WHATTT!!!

I also having a long distance relationship with my family.

There is time where they are not there for me when I need them and

I’m sure there is also a time when I am not able to be there when they need me.

We talked through BBM, we skyped.

No more how tired  I am, one two lines messages or short phone calls to just ask 

"Have you eaten your dinner? How's your day?"

Efforts that count!

And never across my mind to find new parents because they not there for me when I need them.

Lol.. seriously.

My this friend is another ass who gonna ruin LDR market.

Tsk. Tsk.

Bluh.And cheating? Totally no respect to these kind of people.

And me?

I don’t know. I thought I might not be interested in any guy for a while. Like you know scared of being hurt, played and cheated.

I don’t know.

There is this guy who recently catches my eyes.

Haizh. I really don’t know why.

But I think, cause when we talked, he never try to flirt with me like how others guys do.

You know. That ‘wow ‘factor. mmmmm... I don't know how to express these.

I don’t know even know how to start a conversation with him.

Never chase guy before, an idiot in this issues. Hahaha.

Tsk. I really don’t know. Hahaha

Just let it flows and don’t expect too much? Because somehow somewhere I think I got friend zoned! HAHAHAA

Meylisa.. Meylisa.

There are two issues I have:

1.       Can’t really read hints.

2.       Always got the thought of getting friend zoned.

Meylisa.. meylisa..

*

Dream.

This word have been part of me since I was 6 years old.

Since 6 years old, I always see myself as a full time dreamer and figher!

I dream big everyday! I believe nothing is ever impossible if we really want to fight for it.

I portrait life as a battle not a game.

Each day, I want to learn  more, learn new things, be a better version of me.

Meylisa 21.2, meylisa 21.2.2 , and etc.

I only live once. 

So I will really really treasure my life.

Opportunities will never always knock my door.

But I could choose to create it instead of waiting for it. <3 

15 more minutes gonna be officially 8.5 years of me staying in Singapore.

Never thought that I will be staying so long in Singapore and even plan to settle down here.

Have a family and my own company here.

Hopefully, mmm no, I believe it will happen one day J

Got this plan on my head.

Getting married by the age of 27 years old. :P

Settled down with my IT career and open up a new side business- catering.

So that I can be the full time housewife and part time business woman.

Great mum to my kids and good wife to my husband. (My greatest dream since I was 17 years old)

Hhahaha ;P

Sometime, when I can’t sleep.

Will start to imagine how I am gonna build my family.

mmm.. starts from preparing breakfast every morning for husband and kids.

Hahaha.

Then also have prepare a lunch box for my kids.

Send them off to school then I drive to my workplace to monitor the work flow.

Late afternoon, reach home and start to prepare dinner.

Do housework. I prefer no maid at home. :P

After dinner, will be having a sharing session with kids and husband.

mmmm… I guess, this will be great and sweet.

And this is what I am aiming for.

A great (mum + wife) then followed by an inspiring business woman! <3

AMEN AMEN ! HAHAHAA!

 PS : Be a good lady, the right man will find you :) 

The Perfect Imperfection

It is 2.24 am now and I still feel so fresh, I am having the problem to go to bed at the right time.

Mmm, right time? Are there even exist? The right timing?

Oh well…

This morning, when I was on the bus no 8 on the way to office, I recalled a handful of stuff. They were good and bittersweet memories. I closed my eyes for a second, took a deep breath and
I knew it, I miss him.

I still miss him.

I looked outside through the bus’ window. I saw nothing but a tree and bus stop. I took a deep breath again, but this time I didn’t sigh. I smiled.

I think I finally learn how to let things go.  I think I finally learn how to accept it and understood that, we just could not make it to be together.

I admitted it was hard. Yes, it is.

I flashed back to the memories when we both just knew each other. Well, it was at station 4 when I first saw you and started admiring you. It was September 2012. I forgot which date it fell, but I remembered it was September 2012.

Hi ! Nice to know you.

Started by adding you in the social network called Facebook, like your photos and …. I stopped.

I guessed this was just a crush, nothing serious. So I stopped.

Lol actually I just thought that I got no hope. LOL

*

October 2013!

It felt so surreal to meet you again at the same place. I didn’t expect to be able to meet you there. But I was super happy to see you again-real. But I tried to stay calm. Yes, I stayed super calm till no one even noticed that the reason why I was back to do part time was just to see you! Well, don’t even care about back to back shift. It was just so great to see you around!

I like to see you talking to the guests, giggling with them and once you caught me looking at you. You started to raise your right eyebrow about 15 degrees. Then you gave me the look, “what’s wrong?”

And I shifted both of my eyes to the top right, telling you, “Chill dude. I wasn’t looking at you.”

And I walked away-such a drama.

*

A tiny greenish block was the beginning of our conversation. With your arrogant looking you came to me and asked “You want to take anything from the buffet?” 

“Green tea matcha?” I replied. Didn’t even finished my sentences, then he just walked away.

Damn! How could this person be so rude?

"Don’t come to work tomorrow, Meylisa." I told myself.

I tighten my apron and I walked away too. I walked to the side station, opened up the wardrobe, took out the napkins and started to set up those empty tables.

Still mumbling about him to myself, telling myself should not think too much but stop work tomorrow onward.

He came with a dessert bowl and said “Madam.. Here your green tea matcha”

Mmm

You know if this is whatssap I will spam this blog with the blushing emoji.

BUT! I acted cool. I answered, “OH”.

He raised his right eyebrow again, signalling me, “Just like that?” and he walked away.

“Come to work tomorrow, Meylisa!” I told myself.

*

Coffee?

It will never be my drink even for once. Oh seriously, I just could not take coffee.

However, can you imagine that I made a cup of coffee for him? #hahaha

Though I knew that the taste was sick! I swear! I didn’t know the right amount of water I should pour. Yet he said, “It tastes nice”

Yes. he said it tasted nice and the next day he made coffee for himself. It was a half cup coffee.

Mmmm…. Okay.

Thank you boyfriend.

*

They were now left as memories. The Paul smith sleeves T-shirt, the clutch, the M necklace, the Clinique perfume and chubby stick.  How are you, Mr sharp nose?

*

15 may 2014. The day I celebrated my advanced 21^st birthday with my Indonesia clique, I prepared my wishes way long ago. I heard people were clapping hands and shouting blew the candles! Make a wish!

I smiled, staring at my birthday cake, closed my eyes and I asked God, “I want to meet him. This will be the greatest birthday gift from you! Please make it happens God!”

*

38.9 degrees Celsius.

High fever, cough and running nose.  I rushed to my kitchen, grabbed the pink small handbag containing tonnes of medicines. I kept on searching for running nose medicines.

I found it. I found it. I found it with your name on it too.

But this time, I felt as bitter as the medicine.

Everything has changed.

*

It was February 2014.

It is your birthday month. Not sure what I should get you for your birthday. And yeah, I was having my financial crisis as dad has cut off my credit card because this ‘obedient’ daughter refused to go back to Indonesia for good. (This time he is not the reason why I insist to stay here. My dream keeps me fighting.)

I was clueless till I saw my friends were going their animation project, I then finally got an idea.

Don’t laugh!

I know I am an idiot for design and media thingy.

But I tried. With my minimum budget I had, I created a stop motion video with total of 300 hundred photos taken in the same background and height.

Guys! I swear! After 3 hours of that I got a bad back pain. Then after, editing the video and choosing the suitable song, I then realise that this video is kinda cheapo to be presented as a birthday gift. I scrolled my eyes 360 degrees. Took a deep breath! YEAH!

FOUND!

He loves soccer! FCB!

Yes, I don’t have any clue what is that, I only know that he likes no 10 FCB, and whenever he played FIFA, he was in his own world.

I opened up Line app. I joined the FCB club. Hoping that I could get the latest news about them.

And YES!

They sell their jersey at Bugis Plus!

I went to Bugis Plus and checked for the price. Mmmm…. Hahaha who says girls clothes are expensive?

I went home and texted my manager, telling him next week I would work every day! No off!

Okay! Mission accomplished!

Mr. Sharp Nose was happy with the birthday gift <3

YEAH!!

*

13 days ago, at this timing, I was still awake. It was not because I was feeling fresh like today but it was because I kept hoping that the time would have stop. I was so selfish that I just want the time to stop. He was just beside me.

6 hours was enough to convince me that his feeling to me was once real. No question regarding the past or future. I don’t care. Just he and I for those 6 hours, I didn’t ask anything about the past or future. He gave me an unforgettable gift. I really love them.

6am. Time was up. I kissed him on the cheek. I walked away slowly. Somehow I feel that he won’t want to meet me again.

I think he knows I still love him.

*

The guy who never treats me like a princess, the guy who never pours me with sweet-talking, the worst yet the best boyfriend.

Yea. He wins my heart. But I didn’t win his.

I never thought that I could love someone till this much. I easily have a crush on guys but I hardly said I’m in love.

This time, I have fell in love without me knowing it, till there is a day I wake up, loving him so much.

As the time passes, I understood that we can’t force love or feeling.

Sometimes, letting go doesn’t mean giving up. But it is brave and strong enough to let your loved one to find someone whom can complete them.

You can’t erase your feeling or the memories. Why should you erase them? Don't you love them?Then why haven’t you kept them?

And him. Yes. He will always be in the special place in my heart.

PS : Who never done any stupid/ silly thing for love?

A Rusted Diamond

I am back.

Felt so tired after a long day, not because of work.

I am just so sick of my life.

How long should this keep on going?

I forgot how it felt to be heart broken or hurt.

Numb.

Just hopeless and helpless with the surroundings, I am not giving up.

I … I don’t know.

Just feel so freaking sad and down every night, can I only have morning and afternoon every day?

I hate when it comes to night, I hate when I reach home and it is empty.

I hate it. I hate myself for not being able to express my emotion when I am sad.

How long more should this been kept on dragging?

I even lose the mood to attend my own graduation ceremony. Imagining my friends come with the parents, bought a banquet for them. Well, I don’t like flowers. But maybe this time will be different.

I keep considering and asking myself over and over again. Should I go?

Should I?

Damn. I don’t know. 5 % vs 95 %.

I have stopped blogging for a couple of weeks- trying to find something to get off my attention and start to have a new routine.

However, I think this is the only place where I can express my sadness and my emo.

I can type out all the thoughts in my mind. Yes I can-without expecting my laptop to respond.

No one will ever understand how hurt I am. No one will ever know how broken I am right now.

Even I am trying my best to understand myself. And that’s freaking terrible.

Cause I can’t even really understand myself.

What I knew and noticed was I always keep myself stay up late in the office till everyone left.

I hate going back home.

What’ wrong with dreams? What’s wrong with chasing after dreams?

What’s wrong with being a fighter for my own life? What’s wrong with being responsible over my own life?

What’s wrong with being tough and believing that I could make it happen?

What’s wrong with having faith in my dream, my faith, and my goals?

I am young. I might not know and might be clueless over the path where I am going to.

But I want to explore, I want to learn, I want to gain a tonne of experience as much as I could.

Life is short yet there are so many things I want to do. I don’t know when God will call me.

Therefore, I want to make full use of my life. Learn, appreciate, forgive and forget.

Wish me luck, my dear laptop! Hahaha

Life is so tough and thanks God you are here to keep me accompany.

Hahaa..

Oh well… it’s okay. Everything will be alright.

 Thank you for being a good listener and a great shoulder to cry on my dear laptop.

Yes. Everything will be alright.

Let the time heal this pain.

Yeah. Everything will be alright.

Stay focus, keep believing and be tough.

 #ME

PS : Behind a loud laughter, there is a teardrop.

I Thought...

I was sitting alone at the Esplanade riverside. Watching the river which is located right in front of me.

Calm and kind of quiet environment, the only noise I heard was the moves of the water and air molecules. They were so slow yet they moved.

I looked at the extremely high building across the river, MBS building lighted with a handful of beautiful lights on my left and a bunch of people busy chit chatting on my right.

It was a Good Friday.

My eyes shifted back to the river. I felt much better, so calm and relaxing. The winds blew my hair softly towards my face. I kept quiet. I ignored it. I tried not to give a care about it. I tried.

I was not angry. I was not mad with anyone. I wasn’t.

I was just mad with myself. I was so mad with myself for being so damn weak that I ever imagined.

Felt very stupid, damn asshole.

Such a fool! You are a fool Meylisa!

I lost count on how many days he left, or maybe I just didn’t want to count anymore. He left.

The one I thought could grow old with me. The one I thought could be real to me. Yes, all of them were what I thought. Yes. I thought so.

I kept wondering, why God never creates an “if else” statement in our lives?

I meant that if ever exists, then no one could ever experience errors in life, no one could ever experience being hurt, being cheated, and divorce. Isn’t it good?

I knew that people change, things change, feeling change. I believed in those. He came to me and told me that between him and me, nothing was gonna change. Bullshit. He didn’t keep his words.

What was the point of saying those in the first place?

I stared at the UEO building among others. I was not a fan of building or whatever you called it.

I saw a room with a light on. I smiled. 

It would be great if I would have a house which gives me a river or sea view. It’s really gonna be very great, I told myself.

I might be able to make it happen provided I have that sum of notes on my hands.

True, those notes can let me buy a house, but not a home.

3 months plus we were in relationship, the shortest I ever have in my life so far yet this relationship has torn me into pieces. I remembered I ever dated for a year, one and the half years, but I could quickly move on in the next three hours. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen this time.

What was wrong with me? Do I really lack of the ability to keep something which belongs to me? Do I really that bad to keep someone I love? Am I?

What’s wrong?

Previous relationships, I got cheated, my feeling was being played and hung. This time, I got dumped. HAHAHA

Too blind to observe what’s going on in my relationship.

Someone ever told me, God has already created my Mr. Right, but it is not the time yet for him to appear.

Uh?

Mr Right? That only exist during my mum generation. I don’t want to believe in what you called true love and Mr Right. Bullshit.

All those were what we told ourselves to comfort ourselves, lie to ourselves, pretending to be strong when we are actually a weak and fragile human being who ever doubt if we could ever have that.

You don’t have to give me an answer or agree with me. Touch your heart and ask yourself.

Love and hurt.

In my previous post, I ever wrote that it was beautiful to have him in my life.

Yes, I could not deny that. It was really beautiful to have him. I love us. Taking 109 selfie in 10 minutes, the endless conversation about what people will judge us, the sarcastic jokes we threw to each other, the small little annoying fight regarding our different views.

Well, maybe it's just me who ever thought that they were so beautiful. It’s just me- the one who thought that he will be the last one.

I ever planned to be a bad girl. I don’t know, suddenly that idea comes across my mind. Like? Hello… what’s the point of being good and loyal when at the end of the stories, I will be the one who gets hurt?

Why not be free and play around?

Why? Why not give a try to be a cheater? A liar? A bastard?

Too much "why" and there is only one answer to all.

Cause I don’t want to play with anyone feeling.

I admit, I still could not accept the fact that this relationship was over. I hope that it will work out somehow and everything will be back like before. But too bad.

I am the only one who wants that to happen.

HAHAHA

If it is that easy for you to lose the feeling to me. Then what else could I say?

I might be childish and way much younger than you.

Stubborn and ridiculous at times. I know.

But one thing I am very sure about myself; I truly love all of you.

It will be never be a mistake or a regret to love you.

J Like what you ever told me, feeling change, people change, things change.

HAHAHA

Yes, but remember! Pictures and memories will remain unchanged. They will stay as what they were before.

I am not the type of person who will give up. I won’t give up. 

This time I will try to let it go J

Take care, be good and have a good career ahead. You will be always in my prayers.

Thank you for everything Baby J

*sighed. 

I packed my bag and walked away.

Ps : It is not your fault. This is destiny.

Thank you for everything :) 

A Glass of Plain Water

She stared at it.

She turned her laptop on.

Placed her fingers on the keyboards and her brain started commanding the fingers to start dancing.

She looked empty, but her fingers could not stop resisting to dance.

Her ten little chubby fingers was hoping that her little stubborn brain will command a stop.

She sighed.

I wondered what was in her mind. I looked at her-trying to figure something out from her expression.

Null.

I could not read anything.

I looked carefully, deeply into her eyes.

I sighed. I knew it.

She cried.

I took a step back. I did not know what to do.

I was speechless, helpless and hopeless.

I want to cheer her up.

She pulled her lips in seconds-faking a smile to me.

“I am okay. I am strong", she said.

I smiled back to her.

I wished I could give a tap on her shoulder and said,

“I know you can! I believe in you!”

I wished I could.

If I could, I would.

I looked at her deeply. No words came out from my mouth.

Null.

I could not say anything. I wanted to comfort her, cheer her up, lent my shoulder to her.

I wanted to do those.

I really want to do them.

But I couldn't.

She once again pulled her lips and murmured,

“Everything will be alright, please make a move to your bed and have a good rest.”

I knew she lied. She was not okay. She was broken. She was messed up.

I knew.

She sighed.

She gave me her annoyed expression-“You doubt me?”

I looked away.

Pain changes a person.

Then, I looked at her again.

“You don’t have to tell me what is in your mind. Cry it out. I am here for you.”,

my heart whispered.

She kept quiet.

She zipped her mouth so tightly that I could not even hear she swallowed her own saliva.

She was broken. She was upset.  She was worried. She was feeling so small.

She could deny all these assumptions I threw to her.

Yes.

She could deny them from everyone-not me.

I know her.

A bottle of red wine is right in front of her eyes.

Yet, she keeps herself waiting.

Waiting for a glass of plain water.

She sighed.

I took a deep breath, smiled to her and I walked away from the mirror.

#ME

Show me how to fight for now

Why? Why? Why?How? How? How?

I am wearing a mask to work-everyday. I think.
Faking the smile, faking the laughter. Acting like everything is good, everything is so smooth.
No stress.

I have to say that my life has changed 180 degree.
It might seem so weird to see me quite active in blogging nowadays.
Yes.. true. I myself find it weird too.
But I think this is the only place where I can express myself.

Ya... again I had came to the point when I wanted to cry so badly but I got my tears on hold.
Seriously, it hurt. Oh maybe I need some a shoulder to cry on.
I wish I could cry fucking badly than hanging in this state.
I had came to the point when I need to motivate myself everyday, telling myself that everything is gonna be okay. Today is gonna be a better day.
I know, I lie to myself.
Yes. I do.

Today, before I went to work.
I was walking confidently toward the MRT, telling myself
"Hey let's go work and earn some extra cash."
but this "good" mood got ruined by two phone calls.
The two phone calls from companies which I applied to this afternoon.
Yes.. AGAIN AND AGAIN... i got rejected.
DAMN !! :(

just because I am not a Singaporean or PR. 

mmmm.... I don't know how to express it.
I just feel very worried over myself.
How???? When I still haven't get my full-time job and yet
I need to pay the house rental fee, phone bills, internet, transports plus my living expenses.

I tried to stay positive. I "always" do.
However, I have no idea why this time, I don't have any confidence on myself.
Somehow, I lose some faith in myself. :(

please, can someone wake me from this darkness?

At times, when I can't sleep. Especially when I just got home from my part-time job.
I tried to recall/reflect back all the past.
I questioned myself over and over again.
Am I too naive? Am I dreaming too high?
Am I? Am I?

mmmm... this part of me, the complicated part of me.
No one will understand, including myself.

And whenever I told people about my job interview,  
They told me
"Don't worry. They surely will take you. You are smart girl. You're very hardworking. They like young people! You are so keen on learning, they definitely want you!"

But the reality shows me ............

Nothing.

Dear God... help me :(
Guide and show me the path :(

I know I "mess up" my youth. I against my family-Wanted an independent life and wanna work under people to gain experience. And they don't understand.
I "coloured" my youth with "over-thinking" about my goals and my ambitions.

When all my course-mate busy planning for the their graduation trips, I am here busy sending out my resume. I am here busy working part time to support my own living. I am here busy calculating my money, trying to manage it well so that it is enough to survive till the next month.

Oh yes.. it is no more "financial stress free Meylisa"
There is no more Meylisa who can easily swipe the her debit card in seconds to buy a $3000 handbag.
SERIOUSLY, NO MORE.

The current Meylisa is someone who falls in love with a handbag that costs $85.90. Eyeing for the handbag for 14 days.
And finally bought it with her saved 1 week part time salary.


The first handbag that I bought using my own money.
Yes. No more using parents' money.
Somehow I am so proud of myself and yes...some part of me still missing the "old" me.

Nevertheless, 
I never regret taking this decision.
I will never regret. Yes I will never.
Wake up with tonnes of burdens.
Wake up and start thinking how to survive.
Wake up and telling to myself 
"Don't be lazy! Go work ! Earn your $39!"

And my everyday become an adventure day.
I am a hunter I guess.
Though I don't know how long I can stay like this.

BUT

I wanna believe that I can make it to the end!
I wanna believe that nothing is impossible!
I wanna believe that I'm possible!
I wanna believe that working my ass off gonna bring me to the good future!
I wanna believe them!

Haizh.. seriously, I just wanted to cry it out.
Release all the tension in my heart.
Unfortunately,  the tears are on hold.

I miss dad. 
I miss mom.
I miss brothers
I miss sister.
I miss my family.
#homesick

I miss you dad.
I wanna hug you :'(
I miss you daddy.
I miss you 
I miss you dad
I miss you dad

Sorry for being stubborn.
I just won't give up on my dreams.

I miss you dad..........
I miss you... 
Sorry for being an asshole 

Take care. I am gonna make you proud of me asap! 



PS : Dear God, Show me how to fight for now 
#ME

Bus 139

I took 139 this afternoon.
It took me about 1 hour to reach toa payoh central.
An hour, to reflect on my life-my journey.

Yes, some of you who know me will know I rarely take bus as a transport. I prefer MRT.
I don't know. Just feel  that when I am in the bus for too long. My mind will just go wild.
I will start to think think think and think.
Reflect reflect and reflect.

Today, I called dad.
Yes, after our cold war regarding this egoistic daughter  who doesn't want to go back Indonesia and break her 3 years bond in Singapore.
Hehehehe...
I know some of you will start laughing cause you  knew the stories mmm since 2011? :P
Yes... today instead of going wild with new dreams and new ambitions.
I called dad. A "short" and quality conversation with him-I think.

He... just as usual, he always try to be so cold to me.
But, i knew deep inside his heart, he can't resist to ask me "How are you dear? Have you eaten? Do you have enough money to survive?"
Haizh.. please dad. I know you. :P

Today, I put aside my ego.
I told him honestly about my dreams, my ambitions, and the future path which I am aiming for.
And obviously, he doesn't seem to agree with my thoughts.
He claimed that all those are bullshit.
He doesn't believe in dreams-my dreams and unfortunately I am a dreamer.
He keep insisting that why should I work under people when I  am now can be the boss?
mmm.. typical Indonesian Chinese parents' thinking.

I don't mean to blame him. I know and understand that he doesn't want to see me suffer.
He doesn't feel good letting me staying alone in Singapore.
But.. this is all I want.

I don't know whether you are in my side or not.
But  I think that becoming a boss is very easy. You just open your mouth and command people.
That's not the thing I want. I told him.

Instead of becoming a boss. I told him that I prefer the word "leader"

 A leader who don't only know how to command. He/she actually shows his/her employees how to make  things done.  And in order to be a good leader, I think I need to have a strong foundation on how to manage things. And that explain  why I wanna work in Singapore. I wanna work under people cause I wanna learn and gain experiences as much as I can.

And.. dad.. he just says answered "mmmm..mmmm"

I continued..
I told him that I want people to know me as who I am. Who meylisa is.
Not because who is my dad?
Oppsss... I don't mean that I am not proud as his daughter. But I want to prove to people that I can survive without dad's money and power.
I can stand on my own feet. I am not that spoiled little brat anymore.


Dad still keep silent.


Then suddenly, he asked me "You know, how important are you to me?"
I was stunned for a minute. Then I replied him

"You ever said that I'm the only one who really like you. We both are so alike, regarding characters,passionate, and attitude.You was not born rich dad. You used to work very hard to reach  this stage. And now that you come to point where you can easily fulfill all our needs and even our wants  just as easy as winking your eyes. The past you and the current you-You.. truly inspire me. Then why must you stop me now? Aren't you the one who ever told me that in order to sustain at the top, we must first experienced the feeling of the standing at the most bottom?"

Then I hang up the phone and said
I love you dad :) SEMANGAT 45! ;D


PS :  JIA YOU MEYLISA TJONG!!!!!! ;D :D
                                                             
                                                                          ***

The Incomplete me

Rejection?
Mmmm.. frankly speaking, I never experience it before. I never get any rejection before.
And in this 2014, this was the first time I got a rejection. A job rejection.
And well.. it hurt me terribly. Seriously. I am serious.

Since it was the first rejection I have in my life, I was really messed up and fucked up.
I felt like the whole world was just gonna end. I knew that this sounded so dramatic. But seriously, I felt that I have lost my wings.
I was so upset. Damn damn upset.
But the ego part of me stopped me from crying. Stopped me from expressing my sadness. I hold back my tears.
Egoistic me. I knew it.

Till one day, when other problems came and all just got me to the max. I could not take it anymore.
But seriously, I was so surprised that I was unable to cry. mmm... well so what I did next was I planned to get drunk ...at home.

                                                                  ****

My family especially my dad asked me to choose between him or my dreams?
I can't choose. Yes I can't. However, that didn't mean that I don't love him, my family. I love them. I love him. But, dreams.. they are part of me too. I am a full time dreamer.
I know that out of all my siblings, I am the only one who always against my dad and mum. I often only follow my wants. I push  myself too much to achieve the things I want in life.
I don't want to live in my family comfort zone. I think it is very scary.
Too fairy tales, too surreal, and too beautiful to be true.
My dad will always make everything possible for me.
Well, you can say that I'm complicated or stupid or whatever.
Yess.. that's me. :) I admit it.

I want to experience  tough life. mmm for example, in order to buy something that cost $50, I need to  save up for like a month. I don't know. I just want to experience like working damn fucking hard to buy something for myself and my family.


                                                                     ****

There was a bottle of baileys in the fridge. No one touched it before. It was new and that was the only "alcohol" I had at home.
Therefore, when I went home after my part time work, I straight away grabbed a bottle of baileys and a small cup.
Oh ya.. before that I went to 711 to buy a 7-up.
                                                                   
                                                                     ***

I started to drink the baileys. One shot by one shot. It tasted wew... I don't really like it. But yaa.. I just wanna get drunk and release whatever stupid annoying thoughts in my mind.
Then, I even mixed baileys and 7up- I have 0 knowledge about alcohol/ liquor or whatever you call them so pardon me (I even did google about it. They said, "Wow...it was a great experiment!")
OH WELL!!!
it was really a great experiment!!!! it tastes SUCKS!!!

I don't really know what had happen after that.
What I heard from my housemate was I was crying and laughing at the same time.
She said I even finished up a bottle of baileys.

:(

yes.. at the moment, I was totally out of my mind. Just because of a stupid rejection.
It affected my mood, my courage to fight.

but NOW! no more!!!

I am back to the old me.

ME..
the one who  always believe in dreams.
The one who always have faith in myself though others against me.
The one who desire challenges
The one who love to fight for a better future

And no one could ever stop me :)

ps : I dream and therefore I am :)

2014 :) HAPPY NEW YEAR MEYLISA!!!!

2014 is coming. A few more seconds to go. It means that my 21st birthday is coming too, not soon but surely that day will come.

I’m sitting on a plastic chair, wearing a big t-shirt and long blue dotted pants. With untidy hair, a glass of ice tea and a laptop in front of me. Fingers busy dancing on the keyboards. I have kept quiet for hours. My mum thought I was angry at her. Or maybe I am not feeling well. Nope. I am not.

I closed my eyes and asked myself. How much have I changed? Improve to be a better person? Or changing from the bad to worse?

I often think am I too ambitious about my life? I always plan a lot in life. What I want to do in the future, how I want my career path to be, and how I can manage between my careers and my family.

My surroundings often tells me that I think too much. I consider too much. I should just live my life like how other youth live their lives. But I simply can’t.

I love to watch Cinderella since I was a kid. I believe that if we work hard, be kind to people. We will find our true happiness. True love.

I also used to think that a relationship is just meant for two people-One to one relationship. Two opposite sex attracts each other. They fall in love, get married and they build a family together. But as I grow up, the world is not as simple as I thought. I was happened to see, to witness, a relationship is not necessarily meant for two people. I do witness a one to many relationship or even many to many relationship. The word love, is not as beautiful as it sounds.

I am a dreamer. Dreams play a huge part in my life. I dream and therefore I am. That is what I always believe in. However, this is the part that my family does not understand about me. They said my dreams were impossible. Too good to be true.  

Of course, it broke my heart.  I remembered how eager my parents trying to persuade me to further my study in Indonesia. New car, owning a car was possible given that I wanted to further my study in Indonesia.  They also ever did freeze my debit cards so that I will return to them.

I told myself, I am not going to grow up if I continue to stay in my dad’s comfort zone. It was great being spoon fed by my parents, my family. It was really great. But it was a beginning of being a failure.

10th of January 2011. The day I will not forget for life. The day I started to see things in another kind of views. The day when I realized that I should not continue living in my own imaginary world.

The day when I put my ego and arrogance aside, pouring coffee and tea to the guests. Get scolded from my senior colleagues and even a manager. Wipe table legs, woke up early in the morning and dragged my leg to work, squat down counting napkins. The day when I realized that money is really hard to earn. The day when I found out what is passion really means.

What actually made me stronger and continue working there was because of the smell of the hot chocolate early in the morning <3 #hotchocolatefreak

After a month working as a part timer, I received my first pay. It felt so surreal. I felt proud of myself. I can earn money. I have money of my own! YEAH! #achievement

Then, I moved out from my apartment. I rented a small room in Ang Moh Kio.  A  room with no air-con. Single bed. No maid. Housework need to be done by myself.

However it only lasts for a year. I moved again to Kallang- an air-con room. I can’t deny that I am still the dad’s little princess. I can’t sleep well with a small fan and single bed.

I tried a lot part time jobs. From being waitress followed by a telemarketer, tuition teacher, and even sales promoter. I then very rarely go back to Indonesia to visit my family. Once a year only I go back. 2 weeks at most.  I told my parents I was busy with my study.

And today I am going to tell them the truth-regarding the apartment and the part time job. #pleasedontgetscolded

                                                                                                ***

2014 !

Hey you! 5 more months to my birthday.

5 more months then I will get a year older. A year older. And that’s the deadline.

I promised myself that when I reach 21 years old. I will stop asking allowance from my parents. I need to work my ass off to earn some money to survive.  #wishmeluck.

21 years old. The year I wanted to prove to myself that dream is the one who brings me far. The year I wanted to prove to the people who ever underestimate me, they are wrong. The year I wanted to show my family, especially my dad and mum. I can survive, living outside of their boundary-their comfort zone.  

I have the confidence that I can manage. I believe that I can achieve it. Yet, there is only one thing that I have lacked in confidence with.  Love.

Love also plays a huge part in me. But as I grow up, I don’t believe in true love. Cheating has become very common in this society.  A relationship is meant for two people. But there will be always some people who do not know how to count. Oh… well… maybe I should send them back to kindergarten? My feeling ever been played before. I got cheated before. It hurt so damn badly than I ever think. Well… I might be excellence in the academic field. But in love… I am totally a love idiot. #iadmitthat

My poly friends always tell me that the dramatic love stories that I have watched are not real. They are just another fairy tale. They are not true. They are just a love drama that being created for an entertainment purpose.

But I should not get upset too much because of relationship matters. Just face it as much as I can. And hopefully things are going to get better.

Therefore, 2014 please be good! Work hard, play hard, study hard! GO GO GO!!!

PS : Happy new year 2014 everybody! ;D

M.E