I Thought...

I was sitting alone at the Esplanade riverside. Watching the river which is located right in front of me.

Calm and kind of quiet environment, the only noise I heard was the moves of the water and air molecules. They were so slow yet they moved.

I looked at the extremely high building across the river, MBS building lighted with a handful of beautiful lights on my left and a bunch of people busy chit chatting on my right.

It was a Good Friday.

My eyes shifted back to the river. I felt much better, so calm and relaxing. The winds blew my hair softly towards my face. I kept quiet. I ignored it. I tried not to give a care about it. I tried.

I was not angry. I was not mad with anyone. I wasn’t.

I was just mad with myself. I was so mad with myself for being so damn weak that I ever imagined.

Felt very stupid, damn asshole.

Such a fool! You are a fool Meylisa!

I lost count on how many days he left, or maybe I just didn’t want to count anymore. He left.

The one I thought could grow old with me. The one I thought could be real to me. Yes, all of them were what I thought. Yes. I thought so.

I kept wondering, why God never creates an “if else” statement in our lives?

I meant that if ever exists, then no one could ever experience errors in life, no one could ever experience being hurt, being cheated, and divorce. Isn’t it good?

I knew that people change, things change, feeling change. I believed in those. He came to me and told me that between him and me, nothing was gonna change. Bullshit. He didn’t keep his words.

What was the point of saying those in the first place?

I stared at the UEO building among others. I was not a fan of building or whatever you called it.

I saw a room with a light on. I smiled. 

It would be great if I would have a house which gives me a river or sea view. It’s really gonna be very great, I told myself.

I might be able to make it happen provided I have that sum of notes on my hands.

True, those notes can let me buy a house, but not a home.

3 months plus we were in relationship, the shortest I ever have in my life so far yet this relationship has torn me into pieces. I remembered I ever dated for a year, one and the half years, but I could quickly move on in the next three hours. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen this time.

What was wrong with me? Do I really lack of the ability to keep something which belongs to me? Do I really that bad to keep someone I love? Am I?

What’s wrong?

Previous relationships, I got cheated, my feeling was being played and hung. This time, I got dumped. HAHAHA

Too blind to observe what’s going on in my relationship.

Someone ever told me, God has already created my Mr. Right, but it is not the time yet for him to appear.

Uh?

Mr Right? That only exist during my mum generation. I don’t want to believe in what you called true love and Mr Right. Bullshit.

All those were what we told ourselves to comfort ourselves, lie to ourselves, pretending to be strong when we are actually a weak and fragile human being who ever doubt if we could ever have that.

You don’t have to give me an answer or agree with me. Touch your heart and ask yourself.

Love and hurt.

In my previous post, I ever wrote that it was beautiful to have him in my life.

Yes, I could not deny that. It was really beautiful to have him. I love us. Taking 109 selfie in 10 minutes, the endless conversation about what people will judge us, the sarcastic jokes we threw to each other, the small little annoying fight regarding our different views.

Well, maybe it's just me who ever thought that they were so beautiful. It’s just me- the one who thought that he will be the last one.

I ever planned to be a bad girl. I don’t know, suddenly that idea comes across my mind. Like? Hello… what’s the point of being good and loyal when at the end of the stories, I will be the one who gets hurt?

Why not be free and play around?

Why? Why not give a try to be a cheater? A liar? A bastard?

Too much "why" and there is only one answer to all.

Cause I don’t want to play with anyone feeling.

I admit, I still could not accept the fact that this relationship was over. I hope that it will work out somehow and everything will be back like before. But too bad.

I am the only one who wants that to happen.

HAHAHA

If it is that easy for you to lose the feeling to me. Then what else could I say?

I might be childish and way much younger than you.

Stubborn and ridiculous at times. I know.

But one thing I am very sure about myself; I truly love all of you.

It will be never be a mistake or a regret to love you.

J Like what you ever told me, feeling change, people change, things change.

HAHAHA

Yes, but remember! Pictures and memories will remain unchanged. They will stay as what they were before.

I am not the type of person who will give up. I won’t give up. 

This time I will try to let it go J

Take care, be good and have a good career ahead. You will be always in my prayers.

Thank you for everything Baby J

*sighed. 

I packed my bag and walked away.

Ps : It is not your fault. This is destiny.

Thank you for everything :)