GREY

Hey… I am back here again. Ya after missing for months. I am back here. Yes. The blue me.
And before I am gonna tell what had happened, I would like to say “Happy new year 2015”.

I am sorry as I only visit you when the blue visited me. But, I guess, I have no one to turn to anymore. I need a pair of ears. Listen to me. That’s all I need.

Alright, 2015.

Neither will I say it is a bad nor good year. I don’t know. But so far, I think it has ruined my mentality so badly. Sorry. Not just 2015, I think it happens every year. The demands I received from my surroundings. I am not saying that I hate them. However, could they spare a minute to consider about me? My feeling.

Sometimes, when I am alone, I wonder, “Why should a 21 year old girl face all these alone?”
When will all the demands stop? I am very very tired. Seriously. I am tired.

It all started with my surrounding having the thought that I am a very tough and strong girl. Yes, I don’t deny that. I created myself as a tough and strong girl. I have seen enough how a weak and soft lady got bullied by others. I ain’t gonna let history repeats.

But ya, because of this image that I show to my surrounding, they start to assume that my heart is tough too. To my family, my staffs, I am known as a strong girl who would not bleed.

Yes. That’s what people accused me- including my family. It just getting more and more often to hear them saying those things. Whenever they want something to be done, they want it ASAP. Yes. ASAP.

Without having the thought, hey maybe my daughter is tired or ya something. No. they didn’t. They want it, they want it now. And when I ask for another day to get their things done, they will be so pissed and say, “Why is it so hard to ask for your help?”

Often have a fight with dad regarding work – the different views we have on how to be a leader and how to treat an employee. I don’t agree with dad saying that a leader is about commanding his people to get things done. While to me, a leader should be the one showing the ways to his people, gather them together to reach the SMART goals. Human needs recognition and rewards. We do not deny that. A simple tab on shoulder saying “Hey! Good morning!” and “Thank you! You are doing it right!” would make someone’s day brighter. Yet, these are those things that he will never understand and never even try to understand.

And at the same time, as an employee. I learn to be responsible to the given tasks and have a better ideas on the things that I really want to do. I could say I see an opportunity to be a better me in term of management, interpersonal skills, and technical skills. I never regret taking this chance. It is great to start from zero and gain something - to be a hero to myself. A leader always tries to keep their people, an employee should prove to the leader that he / she is worth the fight.

I got to spare some part of my mind to think about other lives. Making sure, businesses are doing well so that they have the money to feed their families. This isn’t easy but worth it and at the same time drained a lot of energy.

……

I wonder what makes my family ever think that I am not tired. What makes them think that I will never ruining out of energy? Even a non- living thing also will drained off then what makes them think that I won’t be drained off? I am tough, I know. Yet, they also should know no matter how tough I am, there still be a purple and pink in me. And no matter what, I am just a human who will complains, cries, and upset.

*

Mum and sister are back in Indonesia. I am very happy to see them enjoying their holiday in Singapore. And maybe the happiest moments are when I am able to get the things they want. I am so happy to see the curves on their faces when they were busy telling me about the things they bought. I love that scene so much.

I love having mum in Singapore. Every morning, I got someone got my breakfast ready, my clothes ironed, someone who will open the door and say “Happy working, yan (my Chinese name)!”  And when I got home, I know someone is waiting for my arrival. The moment I reach home, I got my dinner ready, cuddling on the sofa with mum – busy telling mum about my company server migration though I know she nothing of it. But I love the moment of sharing.

….

I need time to adjust back to the black. The independence meylisa. I cannot stay too long in blue. It has been almost a week mum and sister are back to Indonesia. It has been almost a week to realise how empty the house is.

I am not sure how to explain this. However, this really get me upset to be back to the house which used to be a home. A square block contains of two rooms and silence is the best friend. On the left side, right after entering the house, a messy shoe rack, further up to the left, an unfolded laundry, diagonally right- my room, a messy bed is on the left- that’s tell how rush I am every morning, while my working desk is on the right- full of papers. And perpendicularly to right, a very clean kitchen. No one cooks for the past 6 days.

A house which used to be a home.

*

Love?

It isn’t so good as well. Thing is getting more and more complicated as the day passes. I left with no comment. Maybe it is right that I am still too green to be in love. I don’t know. I ain’t got any control over these four letter words. I always turn out to be the silly girl when I am in the relationship/shit.

Am I not sure about you, but which is more hurtful, got a stab right on your heart or just a small cut on your heart yet you can’t find where the cut is?

I guess, yesterday the words I heard was really like a great slap to my face. Not sure. Till now, I am not sure about what am I thinking or even feeling. Somehow it got numb to realise that action speaks louder than words.

….

I don’t know.

I even asked myself why I am still here after crying for the whole night, got my eyes swollen and high fever. It is just so hard when brain and heart does not synchronize.

Leaving him behind is possible.

But moving forwards without him is truly impossible.

Thus, maybe it is me who should try to heal this cut. I do not have a remote control over him and I do not wish to help as well. Maybe, it should be me who should stop to feel jealous. Ya, I should have stop to feel jealous and problem solved.

PS : It will never getting easier, it will get tougher. But I am sure, somehow, someday I will make it happen :)

Stay Strong ! No more tears!

The Question Marks

Recently, have been encountering some annoying questions by my surrounding. Like seriously. The same questions threw over and over again.

“Why are you still single?”

“Got boyfriend already?”

“Saturday, Sunday go where?”

And some people keep mentioning about the disadvantages of staying at home on Sunday.

Oh seriously, don’t you know Sunday is my “nua” day where I can get my first shower and first meal at 7pm.

Read books, watch youtube or try new recipe which I just found on youtube.

*

“How’s your Saturday?”

Well, first thing. What’s wrong with Saturday? Have anyone ever come out with the rule that Saturday is a must go out day?

Seriously. It is just a day, weekend,where you can sleep later than usual and relax.

And the word “relax” is up to you to define it.

Mmm… some people say my Saturday kind of boring. Duh… it’s my life and I think “fun” is kind of subjective.

Your fun might not be my fun, and my fun might be your fun.

Why can’t people understand this principle? 

Respect dudes.

*

Poly life has just ended about 2 months ago. Now, it is really hard to meet up with my M1. The guys are going to Ns one by one, working, family day. Mmm.. it really hard to meet up and come out with a proper hangout.

Ended up, we skype each other- Hahaha.

I really miss my poly moments. Two dollars nuggets, 10 items for my yong tau foo, playing cards in the lecture hall, laugh out loud in the library.. mmm actually is everywhere. :P

HAHAHA!

Talking about my poly life. I was graduated from NYP on the 29^th May 2014.

The previous post I mentioned that I was not excited at all since my parents were not coming over for my graduation. I even planned not to go for my own graduation. Then,…

On the 29^th may 2014, actually my M1 and I were supposed to meet at 7.30 at the auditorium.

And, haizh.. I woke up at 7.15am! Damn!

I have no time to prepare myself.

I threw in my makeup stuff to my bag, grab my white blouse and I wear SHORT! L

No time for bathe. Just washed my face and brushed my teeth. That short and quick moves I ever did in my life. Surprisingly, no one notice it! LOL!

*POWER*

Reached auditorium, suddenly there was a person shouted my name.

“Hey! Meylisa! How are you? Anyway congratulation ya!” an old man walked towards me and we shook hands.

I was stunned. I smiled, trying to calm down to breath in more oxygen. I forgot this lecturer’s name. Year one lecturer. What is his name? I kept asking myself. Damn it!

Why is he still remember my name? L

Oh well,, I think naughty and loud student really leave a remark on the teachers/lecturers.

And I was one of them. :P

On that day, I was totally SUPER EMO as friends keep asking me, where was my parents? And one by one saying bye to me cause they going off with the family. I know I should not be mad. Ya.. and I replied back “Oh!! I was about to meet lecturers!”

LOL!! Meet lecturers? L

But I really did! I went to Block S and spent 2 hours talking to any lecturer that ever thought me, sharing about life and dream- the talkative me. :P

However, one thing that I will never forget and I really touched was my boss and colleagues came over to my graduation. Huhuhu. That was really sweet! <3

I told myself, it is okay if my parents are not able to make it this time.

I promise myself that I am gonna have more proud moments, and this time, they only miss one. J

Believe and make it happen! J

*

Relationship?

Not sure about this and never have enough confidence on this. Hahaha.

Totally a nuts on this "shit/ship".

Meylisa.. meylisa.

Why are you still single?

I am like.. mmm there is nothing wrong being a single.

Right?

I mean why we must rush into something that we are not sure with?

And I think being single is better rather than having a fake relationship or being into a relationship where you aren’t happy about it or you actually feel like a single.

And I don’t understand why people have this thought that you are not a happy person if you don’t have a partner.

??

Society.

Another issues.

Long distance relationship- ldr

I think there is nothing wrong being into a long distance relationship as long as two parties can trust each other.

With the advanced technologies, I think there shouldn’t be any issues.

You can skype, line, whatssap. Mmmm… yaa.. many more. Hahaha.

Saved up money to buy tickets to meet your loved one. I think it is really sweet and meaningful.

Isn’t it? :)

Recently, one of my friend shared with me. She is bored with her long distance relationship. So she cheated her boyfriend.

And I’m like. WHATTT!!!

I also having a long distance relationship with my family.

There is time where they are not there for me when I need them and

I’m sure there is also a time when I am not able to be there when they need me.

We talked through BBM, we skyped.

No more how tired  I am, one two lines messages or short phone calls to just ask 

"Have you eaten your dinner? How's your day?"

Efforts that count!

And never across my mind to find new parents because they not there for me when I need them.

Lol.. seriously.

My this friend is another ass who gonna ruin LDR market.

Tsk. Tsk.

Bluh.And cheating? Totally no respect to these kind of people.

And me?

I don’t know. I thought I might not be interested in any guy for a while. Like you know scared of being hurt, played and cheated.

I don’t know.

There is this guy who recently catches my eyes.

Haizh. I really don’t know why.

But I think, cause when we talked, he never try to flirt with me like how others guys do.

You know. That ‘wow ‘factor. mmmmm... I don't know how to express these.

I don’t know even know how to start a conversation with him.

Never chase guy before, an idiot in this issues. Hahaha.

Tsk. I really don’t know. Hahaha

Just let it flows and don’t expect too much? Because somehow somewhere I think I got friend zoned! HAHAHAA

Meylisa.. Meylisa.

There are two issues I have:

1.       Can’t really read hints.

2.       Always got the thought of getting friend zoned.

Meylisa.. meylisa..

*

Dream.

This word have been part of me since I was 6 years old.

Since 6 years old, I always see myself as a full time dreamer and figher!

I dream big everyday! I believe nothing is ever impossible if we really want to fight for it.

I portrait life as a battle not a game.

Each day, I want to learn  more, learn new things, be a better version of me.

Meylisa 21.2, meylisa 21.2.2 , and etc.

I only live once. 

So I will really really treasure my life.

Opportunities will never always knock my door.

But I could choose to create it instead of waiting for it. <3 

15 more minutes gonna be officially 8.5 years of me staying in Singapore.

Never thought that I will be staying so long in Singapore and even plan to settle down here.

Have a family and my own company here.

Hopefully, mmm no, I believe it will happen one day J

Got this plan on my head.

Getting married by the age of 27 years old. :P

Settled down with my IT career and open up a new side business- catering.

So that I can be the full time housewife and part time business woman.

Great mum to my kids and good wife to my husband. (My greatest dream since I was 17 years old)

Hhahaha ;P

Sometime, when I can’t sleep.

Will start to imagine how I am gonna build my family.

mmm.. starts from preparing breakfast every morning for husband and kids.

Hahaha.

Then also have prepare a lunch box for my kids.

Send them off to school then I drive to my workplace to monitor the work flow.

Late afternoon, reach home and start to prepare dinner.

Do housework. I prefer no maid at home. :P

After dinner, will be having a sharing session with kids and husband.

mmmm… I guess, this will be great and sweet.

And this is what I am aiming for.

A great (mum + wife) then followed by an inspiring business woman! <3

AMEN AMEN ! HAHAHAA!

 PS : Be a good lady, the right man will find you :) 

The Perfect Imperfection

It is 2.24 am now and I still feel so fresh, I am having the problem to go to bed at the right time.

Mmm, right time? Are there even exist? The right timing?

Oh well…

This morning, when I was on the bus no 8 on the way to office, I recalled a handful of stuff. They were good and bittersweet memories. I closed my eyes for a second, took a deep breath and
I knew it, I miss him.

I still miss him.

I looked outside through the bus’ window. I saw nothing but a tree and bus stop. I took a deep breath again, but this time I didn’t sigh. I smiled.

I think I finally learn how to let things go.  I think I finally learn how to accept it and understood that, we just could not make it to be together.

I admitted it was hard. Yes, it is.

I flashed back to the memories when we both just knew each other. Well, it was at station 4 when I first saw you and started admiring you. It was September 2012. I forgot which date it fell, but I remembered it was September 2012.

Hi ! Nice to know you.

Started by adding you in the social network called Facebook, like your photos and …. I stopped.

I guessed this was just a crush, nothing serious. So I stopped.

Lol actually I just thought that I got no hope. LOL

*

October 2013!

It felt so surreal to meet you again at the same place. I didn’t expect to be able to meet you there. But I was super happy to see you again-real. But I tried to stay calm. Yes, I stayed super calm till no one even noticed that the reason why I was back to do part time was just to see you! Well, don’t even care about back to back shift. It was just so great to see you around!

I like to see you talking to the guests, giggling with them and once you caught me looking at you. You started to raise your right eyebrow about 15 degrees. Then you gave me the look, “what’s wrong?”

And I shifted both of my eyes to the top right, telling you, “Chill dude. I wasn’t looking at you.”

And I walked away-such a drama.

*

A tiny greenish block was the beginning of our conversation. With your arrogant looking you came to me and asked “You want to take anything from the buffet?” 

“Green tea matcha?” I replied. Didn’t even finished my sentences, then he just walked away.

Damn! How could this person be so rude?

"Don’t come to work tomorrow, Meylisa." I told myself.

I tighten my apron and I walked away too. I walked to the side station, opened up the wardrobe, took out the napkins and started to set up those empty tables.

Still mumbling about him to myself, telling myself should not think too much but stop work tomorrow onward.

He came with a dessert bowl and said “Madam.. Here your green tea matcha”

Mmm

You know if this is whatssap I will spam this blog with the blushing emoji.

BUT! I acted cool. I answered, “OH”.

He raised his right eyebrow again, signalling me, “Just like that?” and he walked away.

“Come to work tomorrow, Meylisa!” I told myself.

*

Coffee?

It will never be my drink even for once. Oh seriously, I just could not take coffee.

However, can you imagine that I made a cup of coffee for him? #hahaha

Though I knew that the taste was sick! I swear! I didn’t know the right amount of water I should pour. Yet he said, “It tastes nice”

Yes. he said it tasted nice and the next day he made coffee for himself. It was a half cup coffee.

Mmmm…. Okay.

Thank you boyfriend.

*

They were now left as memories. The Paul smith sleeves T-shirt, the clutch, the M necklace, the Clinique perfume and chubby stick.  How are you, Mr sharp nose?

*

15 may 2014. The day I celebrated my advanced 21^st birthday with my Indonesia clique, I prepared my wishes way long ago. I heard people were clapping hands and shouting blew the candles! Make a wish!

I smiled, staring at my birthday cake, closed my eyes and I asked God, “I want to meet him. This will be the greatest birthday gift from you! Please make it happens God!”

*

38.9 degrees Celsius.

High fever, cough and running nose.  I rushed to my kitchen, grabbed the pink small handbag containing tonnes of medicines. I kept on searching for running nose medicines.

I found it. I found it. I found it with your name on it too.

But this time, I felt as bitter as the medicine.

Everything has changed.

*

It was February 2014.

It is your birthday month. Not sure what I should get you for your birthday. And yeah, I was having my financial crisis as dad has cut off my credit card because this ‘obedient’ daughter refused to go back to Indonesia for good. (This time he is not the reason why I insist to stay here. My dream keeps me fighting.)

I was clueless till I saw my friends were going their animation project, I then finally got an idea.

Don’t laugh!

I know I am an idiot for design and media thingy.

But I tried. With my minimum budget I had, I created a stop motion video with total of 300 hundred photos taken in the same background and height.

Guys! I swear! After 3 hours of that I got a bad back pain. Then after, editing the video and choosing the suitable song, I then realise that this video is kinda cheapo to be presented as a birthday gift. I scrolled my eyes 360 degrees. Took a deep breath! YEAH!

FOUND!

He loves soccer! FCB!

Yes, I don’t have any clue what is that, I only know that he likes no 10 FCB, and whenever he played FIFA, he was in his own world.

I opened up Line app. I joined the FCB club. Hoping that I could get the latest news about them.

And YES!

They sell their jersey at Bugis Plus!

I went to Bugis Plus and checked for the price. Mmmm…. Hahaha who says girls clothes are expensive?

I went home and texted my manager, telling him next week I would work every day! No off!

Okay! Mission accomplished!

Mr. Sharp Nose was happy with the birthday gift <3

YEAH!!

*

13 days ago, at this timing, I was still awake. It was not because I was feeling fresh like today but it was because I kept hoping that the time would have stop. I was so selfish that I just want the time to stop. He was just beside me.

6 hours was enough to convince me that his feeling to me was once real. No question regarding the past or future. I don’t care. Just he and I for those 6 hours, I didn’t ask anything about the past or future. He gave me an unforgettable gift. I really love them.

6am. Time was up. I kissed him on the cheek. I walked away slowly. Somehow I feel that he won’t want to meet me again.

I think he knows I still love him.

*

The guy who never treats me like a princess, the guy who never pours me with sweet-talking, the worst yet the best boyfriend.

Yea. He wins my heart. But I didn’t win his.

I never thought that I could love someone till this much. I easily have a crush on guys but I hardly said I’m in love.

This time, I have fell in love without me knowing it, till there is a day I wake up, loving him so much.

As the time passes, I understood that we can’t force love or feeling.

Sometimes, letting go doesn’t mean giving up. But it is brave and strong enough to let your loved one to find someone whom can complete them.

You can’t erase your feeling or the memories. Why should you erase them? Don't you love them?Then why haven’t you kept them?

And him. Yes. He will always be in the special place in my heart.

PS : Who never done any stupid/ silly thing for love?

A Rusted Diamond

I am back.

Felt so tired after a long day, not because of work.

I am just so sick of my life.

How long should this keep on going?

I forgot how it felt to be heart broken or hurt.

Numb.

Just hopeless and helpless with the surroundings, I am not giving up.

I … I don’t know.

Just feel so freaking sad and down every night, can I only have morning and afternoon every day?

I hate when it comes to night, I hate when I reach home and it is empty.

I hate it. I hate myself for not being able to express my emotion when I am sad.

How long more should this been kept on dragging?

I even lose the mood to attend my own graduation ceremony. Imagining my friends come with the parents, bought a banquet for them. Well, I don’t like flowers. But maybe this time will be different.

I keep considering and asking myself over and over again. Should I go?

Should I?

Damn. I don’t know. 5 % vs 95 %.

I have stopped blogging for a couple of weeks- trying to find something to get off my attention and start to have a new routine.

However, I think this is the only place where I can express my sadness and my emo.

I can type out all the thoughts in my mind. Yes I can-without expecting my laptop to respond.

No one will ever understand how hurt I am. No one will ever know how broken I am right now.

Even I am trying my best to understand myself. And that’s freaking terrible.

Cause I can’t even really understand myself.

What I knew and noticed was I always keep myself stay up late in the office till everyone left.

I hate going back home.

What’ wrong with dreams? What’s wrong with chasing after dreams?

What’s wrong with being a fighter for my own life? What’s wrong with being responsible over my own life?

What’s wrong with being tough and believing that I could make it happen?

What’s wrong with having faith in my dream, my faith, and my goals?

I am young. I might not know and might be clueless over the path where I am going to.

But I want to explore, I want to learn, I want to gain a tonne of experience as much as I could.

Life is short yet there are so many things I want to do. I don’t know when God will call me.

Therefore, I want to make full use of my life. Learn, appreciate, forgive and forget.

Wish me luck, my dear laptop! Hahaha

Life is so tough and thanks God you are here to keep me accompany.

Hahaa..

Oh well… it’s okay. Everything will be alright.

 Thank you for being a good listener and a great shoulder to cry on my dear laptop.

Yes. Everything will be alright.

Let the time heal this pain.

Yeah. Everything will be alright.

Stay focus, keep believing and be tough.

 #ME

PS : Behind a loud laughter, there is a teardrop.

I Thought...

I was sitting alone at the Esplanade riverside. Watching the river which is located right in front of me.

Calm and kind of quiet environment, the only noise I heard was the moves of the water and air molecules. They were so slow yet they moved.

I looked at the extremely high building across the river, MBS building lighted with a handful of beautiful lights on my left and a bunch of people busy chit chatting on my right.

It was a Good Friday.

My eyes shifted back to the river. I felt much better, so calm and relaxing. The winds blew my hair softly towards my face. I kept quiet. I ignored it. I tried not to give a care about it. I tried.

I was not angry. I was not mad with anyone. I wasn’t.

I was just mad with myself. I was so mad with myself for being so damn weak that I ever imagined.

Felt very stupid, damn asshole.

Such a fool! You are a fool Meylisa!

I lost count on how many days he left, or maybe I just didn’t want to count anymore. He left.

The one I thought could grow old with me. The one I thought could be real to me. Yes, all of them were what I thought. Yes. I thought so.

I kept wondering, why God never creates an “if else” statement in our lives?

I meant that if ever exists, then no one could ever experience errors in life, no one could ever experience being hurt, being cheated, and divorce. Isn’t it good?

I knew that people change, things change, feeling change. I believed in those. He came to me and told me that between him and me, nothing was gonna change. Bullshit. He didn’t keep his words.

What was the point of saying those in the first place?

I stared at the UEO building among others. I was not a fan of building or whatever you called it.

I saw a room with a light on. I smiled. 

It would be great if I would have a house which gives me a river or sea view. It’s really gonna be very great, I told myself.

I might be able to make it happen provided I have that sum of notes on my hands.

True, those notes can let me buy a house, but not a home.

3 months plus we were in relationship, the shortest I ever have in my life so far yet this relationship has torn me into pieces. I remembered I ever dated for a year, one and the half years, but I could quickly move on in the next three hours. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen this time.

What was wrong with me? Do I really lack of the ability to keep something which belongs to me? Do I really that bad to keep someone I love? Am I?

What’s wrong?

Previous relationships, I got cheated, my feeling was being played and hung. This time, I got dumped. HAHAHA

Too blind to observe what’s going on in my relationship.

Someone ever told me, God has already created my Mr. Right, but it is not the time yet for him to appear.

Uh?

Mr Right? That only exist during my mum generation. I don’t want to believe in what you called true love and Mr Right. Bullshit.

All those were what we told ourselves to comfort ourselves, lie to ourselves, pretending to be strong when we are actually a weak and fragile human being who ever doubt if we could ever have that.

You don’t have to give me an answer or agree with me. Touch your heart and ask yourself.

Love and hurt.

In my previous post, I ever wrote that it was beautiful to have him in my life.

Yes, I could not deny that. It was really beautiful to have him. I love us. Taking 109 selfie in 10 minutes, the endless conversation about what people will judge us, the sarcastic jokes we threw to each other, the small little annoying fight regarding our different views.

Well, maybe it's just me who ever thought that they were so beautiful. It’s just me- the one who thought that he will be the last one.

I ever planned to be a bad girl. I don’t know, suddenly that idea comes across my mind. Like? Hello… what’s the point of being good and loyal when at the end of the stories, I will be the one who gets hurt?

Why not be free and play around?

Why? Why not give a try to be a cheater? A liar? A bastard?

Too much "why" and there is only one answer to all.

Cause I don’t want to play with anyone feeling.

I admit, I still could not accept the fact that this relationship was over. I hope that it will work out somehow and everything will be back like before. But too bad.

I am the only one who wants that to happen.

HAHAHA

If it is that easy for you to lose the feeling to me. Then what else could I say?

I might be childish and way much younger than you.

Stubborn and ridiculous at times. I know.

But one thing I am very sure about myself; I truly love all of you.

It will be never be a mistake or a regret to love you.

J Like what you ever told me, feeling change, people change, things change.

HAHAHA

Yes, but remember! Pictures and memories will remain unchanged. They will stay as what they were before.

I am not the type of person who will give up. I won’t give up. 

This time I will try to let it go J

Take care, be good and have a good career ahead. You will be always in my prayers.

Thank you for everything Baby J

*sighed. 

I packed my bag and walked away.

Ps : It is not your fault. This is destiny.

Thank you for everything :) 

A Glass of Plain Water

She stared at it.

She turned her laptop on.

Placed her fingers on the keyboards and her brain started commanding the fingers to start dancing.

She looked empty, but her fingers could not stop resisting to dance.

Her ten little chubby fingers was hoping that her little stubborn brain will command a stop.

She sighed.

I wondered what was in her mind. I looked at her-trying to figure something out from her expression.

Null.

I could not read anything.

I looked carefully, deeply into her eyes.

I sighed. I knew it.

She cried.

I took a step back. I did not know what to do.

I was speechless, helpless and hopeless.

I want to cheer her up.

She pulled her lips in seconds-faking a smile to me.

“I am okay. I am strong", she said.

I smiled back to her.

I wished I could give a tap on her shoulder and said,

“I know you can! I believe in you!”

I wished I could.

If I could, I would.

I looked at her deeply. No words came out from my mouth.

Null.

I could not say anything. I wanted to comfort her, cheer her up, lent my shoulder to her.

I wanted to do those.

I really want to do them.

But I couldn't.

She once again pulled her lips and murmured,

“Everything will be alright, please make a move to your bed and have a good rest.”

I knew she lied. She was not okay. She was broken. She was messed up.

I knew.

She sighed.

She gave me her annoyed expression-“You doubt me?”

I looked away.

Pain changes a person.

Then, I looked at her again.

“You don’t have to tell me what is in your mind. Cry it out. I am here for you.”,

my heart whispered.

She kept quiet.

She zipped her mouth so tightly that I could not even hear she swallowed her own saliva.

She was broken. She was upset.  She was worried. She was feeling so small.

She could deny all these assumptions I threw to her.

Yes.

She could deny them from everyone-not me.

I know her.

A bottle of red wine is right in front of her eyes.

Yet, she keeps herself waiting.

Waiting for a glass of plain water.

She sighed.

I took a deep breath, smiled to her and I walked away from the mirror.

#ME

Show me how to fight for now

Why? Why? Why?How? How? How?

I am wearing a mask to work-everyday. I think.
Faking the smile, faking the laughter. Acting like everything is good, everything is so smooth.
No stress.

I have to say that my life has changed 180 degree.
It might seem so weird to see me quite active in blogging nowadays.
Yes.. true. I myself find it weird too.
But I think this is the only place where I can express myself.

Ya... again I had came to the point when I wanted to cry so badly but I got my tears on hold.
Seriously, it hurt. Oh maybe I need some a shoulder to cry on.
I wish I could cry fucking badly than hanging in this state.
I had came to the point when I need to motivate myself everyday, telling myself that everything is gonna be okay. Today is gonna be a better day.
I know, I lie to myself.
Yes. I do.

Today, before I went to work.
I was walking confidently toward the MRT, telling myself
"Hey let's go work and earn some extra cash."
but this "good" mood got ruined by two phone calls.
The two phone calls from companies which I applied to this afternoon.
Yes.. AGAIN AND AGAIN... i got rejected.
DAMN !! :(

just because I am not a Singaporean or PR. 

mmmm.... I don't know how to express it.
I just feel very worried over myself.
How???? When I still haven't get my full-time job and yet
I need to pay the house rental fee, phone bills, internet, transports plus my living expenses.

I tried to stay positive. I "always" do.
However, I have no idea why this time, I don't have any confidence on myself.
Somehow, I lose some faith in myself. :(

please, can someone wake me from this darkness?

At times, when I can't sleep. Especially when I just got home from my part-time job.
I tried to recall/reflect back all the past.
I questioned myself over and over again.
Am I too naive? Am I dreaming too high?
Am I? Am I?

mmmm... this part of me, the complicated part of me.
No one will understand, including myself.

And whenever I told people about my job interview,  
They told me
"Don't worry. They surely will take you. You are smart girl. You're very hardworking. They like young people! You are so keen on learning, they definitely want you!"

But the reality shows me ............

Nothing.

Dear God... help me :(
Guide and show me the path :(

I know I "mess up" my youth. I against my family-Wanted an independent life and wanna work under people to gain experience. And they don't understand.
I "coloured" my youth with "over-thinking" about my goals and my ambitions.

When all my course-mate busy planning for the their graduation trips, I am here busy sending out my resume. I am here busy working part time to support my own living. I am here busy calculating my money, trying to manage it well so that it is enough to survive till the next month.

Oh yes.. it is no more "financial stress free Meylisa"
There is no more Meylisa who can easily swipe the her debit card in seconds to buy a $3000 handbag.
SERIOUSLY, NO MORE.

The current Meylisa is someone who falls in love with a handbag that costs $85.90. Eyeing for the handbag for 14 days.
And finally bought it with her saved 1 week part time salary.


The first handbag that I bought using my own money.
Yes. No more using parents' money.
Somehow I am so proud of myself and yes...some part of me still missing the "old" me.

Nevertheless, 
I never regret taking this decision.
I will never regret. Yes I will never.
Wake up with tonnes of burdens.
Wake up and start thinking how to survive.
Wake up and telling to myself 
"Don't be lazy! Go work ! Earn your $39!"

And my everyday become an adventure day.
I am a hunter I guess.
Though I don't know how long I can stay like this.

BUT

I wanna believe that I can make it to the end!
I wanna believe that nothing is impossible!
I wanna believe that I'm possible!
I wanna believe that working my ass off gonna bring me to the good future!
I wanna believe them!

Haizh.. seriously, I just wanted to cry it out.
Release all the tension in my heart.
Unfortunately,  the tears are on hold.

I miss dad. 
I miss mom.
I miss brothers
I miss sister.
I miss my family.
#homesick

I miss you dad.
I wanna hug you :'(
I miss you daddy.
I miss you 
I miss you dad
I miss you dad

Sorry for being stubborn.
I just won't give up on my dreams.

I miss you dad..........
I miss you... 
Sorry for being an asshole 

Take care. I am gonna make you proud of me asap! 



PS : Dear God, Show me how to fight for now 
#ME