A Glass of Plain Water

She stared at it.

She turned her laptop on.

Placed her fingers on the keyboards and her brain started commanding the fingers to start dancing.

She looked empty, but her fingers could not stop resisting to dance.

Her ten little chubby fingers was hoping that her little stubborn brain will command a stop.

She sighed.

I wondered what was in her mind. I looked at her-trying to figure something out from her expression.

Null.

I could not read anything.

I looked carefully, deeply into her eyes.

I sighed. I knew it.

She cried.

I took a step back. I did not know what to do.

I was speechless, helpless and hopeless.

I want to cheer her up.

She pulled her lips in seconds-faking a smile to me.

“I am okay. I am strong", she said.

I smiled back to her.

I wished I could give a tap on her shoulder and said,

“I know you can! I believe in you!”

I wished I could.

If I could, I would.

I looked at her deeply. No words came out from my mouth.

Null.

I could not say anything. I wanted to comfort her, cheer her up, lent my shoulder to her.

I wanted to do those.

I really want to do them.

But I couldn't.

She once again pulled her lips and murmured,

“Everything will be alright, please make a move to your bed and have a good rest.”

I knew she lied. She was not okay. She was broken. She was messed up.

I knew.

She sighed.

She gave me her annoyed expression-“You doubt me?”

I looked away.

Pain changes a person.

Then, I looked at her again.

“You don’t have to tell me what is in your mind. Cry it out. I am here for you.”,

my heart whispered.

She kept quiet.

She zipped her mouth so tightly that I could not even hear she swallowed her own saliva.

She was broken. She was upset.  She was worried. She was feeling so small.

She could deny all these assumptions I threw to her.

Yes.

She could deny them from everyone-not me.

I know her.

A bottle of red wine is right in front of her eyes.

Yet, she keeps herself waiting.

Waiting for a glass of plain water.

She sighed.

I took a deep breath, smiled to her and I walked away from the mirror.

#ME

Show me how to fight for now

Why? Why? Why?How? How? How?

I am wearing a mask to work-everyday. I think.
Faking the smile, faking the laughter. Acting like everything is good, everything is so smooth.
No stress.

I have to say that my life has changed 180 degree.
It might seem so weird to see me quite active in blogging nowadays.
Yes.. true. I myself find it weird too.
But I think this is the only place where I can express myself.

Ya... again I had came to the point when I wanted to cry so badly but I got my tears on hold.
Seriously, it hurt. Oh maybe I need some a shoulder to cry on.
I wish I could cry fucking badly than hanging in this state.
I had came to the point when I need to motivate myself everyday, telling myself that everything is gonna be okay. Today is gonna be a better day.
I know, I lie to myself.
Yes. I do.

Today, before I went to work.
I was walking confidently toward the MRT, telling myself
"Hey let's go work and earn some extra cash."
but this "good" mood got ruined by two phone calls.
The two phone calls from companies which I applied to this afternoon.
Yes.. AGAIN AND AGAIN... i got rejected.
DAMN !! :(

just because I am not a Singaporean or PR. 

mmmm.... I don't know how to express it.
I just feel very worried over myself.
How???? When I still haven't get my full-time job and yet
I need to pay the house rental fee, phone bills, internet, transports plus my living expenses.

I tried to stay positive. I "always" do.
However, I have no idea why this time, I don't have any confidence on myself.
Somehow, I lose some faith in myself. :(

please, can someone wake me from this darkness?

At times, when I can't sleep. Especially when I just got home from my part-time job.
I tried to recall/reflect back all the past.
I questioned myself over and over again.
Am I too naive? Am I dreaming too high?
Am I? Am I?

mmmm... this part of me, the complicated part of me.
No one will understand, including myself.

And whenever I told people about my job interview,  
They told me
"Don't worry. They surely will take you. You are smart girl. You're very hardworking. They like young people! You are so keen on learning, they definitely want you!"

But the reality shows me ............

Nothing.

Dear God... help me :(
Guide and show me the path :(

I know I "mess up" my youth. I against my family-Wanted an independent life and wanna work under people to gain experience. And they don't understand.
I "coloured" my youth with "over-thinking" about my goals and my ambitions.

When all my course-mate busy planning for the their graduation trips, I am here busy sending out my resume. I am here busy working part time to support my own living. I am here busy calculating my money, trying to manage it well so that it is enough to survive till the next month.

Oh yes.. it is no more "financial stress free Meylisa"
There is no more Meylisa who can easily swipe the her debit card in seconds to buy a $3000 handbag.
SERIOUSLY, NO MORE.

The current Meylisa is someone who falls in love with a handbag that costs $85.90. Eyeing for the handbag for 14 days.
And finally bought it with her saved 1 week part time salary.


The first handbag that I bought using my own money.
Yes. No more using parents' money.
Somehow I am so proud of myself and yes...some part of me still missing the "old" me.

Nevertheless, 
I never regret taking this decision.
I will never regret. Yes I will never.
Wake up with tonnes of burdens.
Wake up and start thinking how to survive.
Wake up and telling to myself 
"Don't be lazy! Go work ! Earn your $39!"

And my everyday become an adventure day.
I am a hunter I guess.
Though I don't know how long I can stay like this.

BUT

I wanna believe that I can make it to the end!
I wanna believe that nothing is impossible!
I wanna believe that I'm possible!
I wanna believe that working my ass off gonna bring me to the good future!
I wanna believe them!

Haizh.. seriously, I just wanted to cry it out.
Release all the tension in my heart.
Unfortunately,  the tears are on hold.

I miss dad. 
I miss mom.
I miss brothers
I miss sister.
I miss my family.
#homesick

I miss you dad.
I wanna hug you :'(
I miss you daddy.
I miss you 
I miss you dad
I miss you dad

Sorry for being stubborn.
I just won't give up on my dreams.

I miss you dad..........
I miss you... 
Sorry for being an asshole 

Take care. I am gonna make you proud of me asap! 



PS : Dear God, Show me how to fight for now 
#ME